Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Divorce: What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Celebrity Gossip

In the wake of the nearly shocking news of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s separation, here at Brainstain, we can gladly say that we saw this one coming and we can’t help but see the bountiful benefits for everyone involved. Not just for Brad Pitt, but for movie buff’s as a whole.  He’s clearly managed to pull off a great escape here like Steve McQueen (buy here) by jumping the fence to freedom, in a sense of the word. Brangelina never did get to finish that soccer team full of their brood which they had jokingly commented to the press about years earlier.


Firstly, can we now  expect to see Brad Pitt finally back in some good roles and in some good films, again? That wouldn’t be too much to ask and I’m sure he feels this too. Seemingly, in tandem with the post release of ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ it was if Brad was now relegated to only star in really dire films like ‘Ocean’s Thirteen’ (buy here) and ‘The Tree of Life” (here). So, despite these times of mourning at the end of “The Celebrity Relationship” there’s a definite silver lining in all this.  Seemingly, his new film “Allied” looks set to be a good motion picture, directed by Robert Zemeckis and also starring the talented Marion Cottilard, due for release on November 23rd in the USA.  If anything, it will definitely be better than “By The Sea” (buy here) which was a drastic and terrible ego fest of a production about a failing marriage. You can’t have a more accurate script to reality than that and it was  lambasted by critics,  getting a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

In order to make sense of the Brangelina split and the bad films Brad has been in while in a relationship with Angelina, we’ve had to approach it in the only way we know how, under the guise and moniker of ‘What Would Tyler Durden Do if he split with Angelina?  (buy ‘Fight Club’ here) Well, the list is endless, but:


Number 1: Tyler Durden would buy a derelict building somewhere down trodden and dangerous like in Detroit, it be his new digs to re-group in with enough space out back for his own driving range overlooking the cityscape. Simultaneously, setting up shop, making soap out of human fat and then re-packaging it back, travelling around the country and selling it to those vain and beauty obsessed people in the cosmetics sections of the pricey department stores’. One’s fat loss is another man’s fat gain.


Number 2: Tyler would call up Marla to help him cure those lonely moments. Those special non-talking relationships can be very useful this time. Apparently, his nanny was flirting with him and even Selena Gomez has seemingly stepped up in recent celebrity gossip, searching for him, both high and low at a red carpet event. That would be quite the conquest, if only just to give Justin Beiber a firm reality check.


Number 3: Tyler would attend many support groups, become a support group addict, particularly for the recently divorced and then prey on single mothers, in turn bumping into someone like Halle Berry, replacing Marla after she becomes old news. Then stun Halle gradually with a Bipolar disorder, revealing it piece by piece.


Number 4: He would brush up on his mantra, “The things you own, end up owning you.” He would make a financial killing, claiming the home insurance on his recently exploded penthouse apartment, full of priceless Ikea catalog furniture. In turn, living without material possessions and being free to roam and pursue a mission that he would never ever talk about. The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. (Buy Durden Shades here)


Number 5: Tyler would repeat, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say, let’s evolve, let the chips fall where they may”. He would evolve from his previous life and let the chips fall where they may, whilst never losing track of his goals or letting anybody stand in front of his goals.


Number 6:F*** Martha Stewart. Martha’s polishing the brass on the Titanic (buy here). It’s all going down, man!” Tyler Durden would f*** Martha Stewart in defiance of the perfect home family lifestyle, that she had so expertly curated in her career. All things come to an end, most marriages and especially Martha Stewart’s clean-cut image. (Buy Martha Stewart Books)


Number 7: “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything”. Tyler would see the dawn of a new beginning after his split with Angelina. He would count his blessings and then bask in this clean slate of a life opportunity. A blessing in disguise, perhaps?


Number 8: “This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.” Tyler would realize that there’s room for another chapter, he would seize everyday as if it was his last, forgive and forget, move on whilst paying no mind to the past, based on its irrelevance on the present and the future. (Buy Shirt)


Number 9: “Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Only after disaster, can we be resurrected.” Tyler would build himself back up with his work, his self-discipline and catch the next wave that life gives him. He would no doubt, kick some ass on the hard concrete floors of the underground Fight Club, no matter how painful it might be. Or he would join an Air-Soft club and become an expert marksman in order to claim back his manliness?


Number 10: “Reject the basic assumptions of civilization—especially the importance of material possessions.” Tyler would know that to be at one with yourself, all you need is what your soul requires, no material possessions, no marital possessions and to just be happy with yourself, sans- having to put up with another persons’ growing resentment within a marital institution. Marriage is just another basic assumption of our civilization, perhaps, life wasn’t meant to be lived in this way, after all.


Brad & Angelina Split

The irony in the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina is that they met when Brad was married to Jennifer Aniston. They swiftly turned themselves into the original Hollywood power couple, after Brad divorced Jen, then Brangelina remained happily unmarried from 2005 until 2014, whilst taking care of six children, then ultimately tying the knot on August 23rd in 2014.  However, two years and roughly one month later, they announced their split.  So, everything that begins eventually comes to an end, we’re all apart of the same compost heap.  Some say marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper, but statistically after marriage, more often than not, it usually ends up in divorce. It is a shame and it is expected at a time like this because it is very difficult to raise six children.  One of the main reasons for their relationship breakdown was clearly the two British political life advisors, that Angelina had hired to help create her new image, in the hope of gaining future entry into ‘The House of Lords’, because of all her humanitarian work. Brad said that their employment inside the family home was the beginning of the end, as these two older ladies’ from the UK had started to divide Brad, away from Angelina.

Additionally, Angelina Jolie came out with fists swinging, figuratively speaking, claiming that Brad was abusive to the children. Brainstain would like to call the BS out on that, as did Perez Hilton, who wrote an article about Angelina’s bullying tactics towards Brad, amidst the breaking news of their divorce. Perez Hilton (all access) has since been threatened by Angelina’s legal team as of yesterday, being served with the threat of a lawsuit. Read about it here. Perez Hilton responded with a resounding “F-U!”

After some initial and dubious claims in the media about Brad being abusive towards the children, Angelina has hopefully rectified this bullying and we surely hope that she treats her ex-husband with some more respect in the near future.

Brad has reportedly also just recently seen his kids again and this is only fair; don’t you think?  We wish them both the best of luck during their impending divorce and that their careers’ finally begin to flourish again.


“You need to forget about what you know, that’s your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me”.   -Tyler Durden


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 Featured photo comes courtesy of Korean toy company Blitzway visit their website here

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