At Brainstain, we are gearing up for the weekend. Since, it’s Friday we’ve decided to unleash ‘The 10 Worst Things About…’ a sporadic running column, where we lay into any topic at hand, giving it a big branding iron “Brainstain” with a capital “B”, ya’ see? So, enjoy our weekly ‘10 Worst Thing’s About…’ on prospective travel destinations, to your city, to anything that’s whizzing around in the public consciousness right now, but you (yes, you), you were afraid to say it. So, let’s begin, from last to first, here’s ‘The 10 Worst Things About London’ (buy here).
10) The Circle & District Line – The green & yellow colored poor excuse for a transportation line on the London Underground. Which will have you going around in circles and constantly changing directions at various stations. If you’re on this line or living near it, be prepared for timely everyday delays and remember that nobody will ever come to visit you. Which might be a blessing, in fact! You’re better off walking there or taking an Uber to be honest. Find your way around, here.
9) The Weather – From hanging your soggy clothes up to dry, when you come home, because you refuse to carry an umbrella like Mary Poppins in the rain. To impeccable grey skies so rich on the scale of “Grey”, that a picture of it could only be found under the word, “Dreary” in the ‘The Oxford Dictionary’. To that haze laden summer, with pollution, pollen allergy at record highs’ and chemtrails’ up in the skies. Yes, breath it all in, this is what the people have been waiting on all year, a glimpse of the sunshine. Oh, wait, it just started raining again. Classic! “Get a brolly, mate” A must have, buy here.
8) The Food – One could be asking too much if you’re really looking for fresh produce, in the spirit of a home cooked meal or something unfrozen or not re-heated, perhaps? Something unpreserved or something that isn’t full of indefinable chemicals or for something quick on the go? Wherever you buy your lunch, expect years to be deducted from your lifespan over time, because of your choice of food. Sure, you might argue with this because you eat at ‘Sketch’ and you love London’s fine dining. We used to do that, yeah, but go and find something fresh, quick, affordable and healthy on the go. You can’t. You’re inundated with questionable supermarket produce and franchise upon franchise restaurants’, which are either owned by McDonalds or some other evil corporation. Even, in that salad section, you can almost taste the pesticides, well; at least you know that they’re in there. Mmmm, eat fresh!
7) The Nightlife – Or lack there of. London has admittedly got one of the most stale and boring nightlifes’ in the whole world. It’s truly a trick that only people from 18 years to 30 years old, would ever subscribe to. Why? Because they’re still young and dumb, that’s why! In the West End, it’s the safer option on a night out, but you can expect to wait in a line at a club for quite sometime, out in the cold, with the T-total exclusion and unwelcome mentality of ‘Western Clubbing’ at the helm, only to reach the front of the line, for some snotty “out-casted” model b*tch with a clipboard to ask if you’re on the list? “Yes, I’m on your shitty list, b*tch”. “Okay, that will be 20 pounds just to walk through an imaginary line, then 3 extra pounds to hang your jacket. “Oh sorry, but we’re only doing tables now, did you want to get a table for 500 pounds, instead?” she asks. “Why?” So, those vacant-minded-women can come over and drink from your table for free, whilst you watch people looking at themselves dancing in the mirror reflections to really shitty music? No, thanks. We pass on that one, we’ve already seen it all from both sides of that fake velvet rope. “Pretentious” is the word here. Sure, you can decide to go more “Hip” and go out in Shoreditch, East London or Clapham, right on cue, “Hey, we should go out in East, man, it’s more real there!”. Take that expensive cab ride or that horrible night tube to get over there. Only to realize that this is the grimier scene, so if you wanted some unwanted trouble, this is where you’re more than likely to find it. Sure, you might even see some hot chick with a nose piercing, it would be a rare find indeed. But, all in all, is it worth it? When you realize that your relatively cheap vodka drink is from some suspect Polish brand, perhaps even used to clean furniture in Warsaw, that you’ve never ever heard of; which is also served in a plastic cup from Sainsbury’s with too sweet of cranberry concentrate. Plus, a club in these endz, the toilets will always smell of piss and there’ll almost definitely be some leakage somewhere. And, do watch out for the bouncers, you don’t want to step out of line and get assaulted, do you? Enjoy your night! This guide might help.
6) The Social Conditioning of the People – London truly has some of the most closed up, fearful & emotionally pent-up people anywhere in the world. This also attributes to London’s terrible nightlife, so whether a girl likes you, her friends won’t let her like you back. If you were a woman you wouldn’t ever think of approaching a man. It’s also engrained into the English mentality and the English are famous for being polite, reserved and emotionally inept, so this reflects in the shades of the social conditioning of most of the people who live in London. If you’re being different, being social, expect to be treated with nervous eyes. They don’t generally want talk to any new people, their body language is closed, basically, they are afraid, they’re fear based individuals. Try walking up and talking to a stranger in London and see how that goes? Then do the same in New York City & Stockholm, and you’ll notice a huge difference in how people behave and act in these social situations. Seems like some people in London are almost robot like, right? Hmm? Get off your high horse and communicate with people. Fact! You might meet someone interesting. Here’s a classic look back to the English stereotype (watch here), surely this English trait of being polite is still alive and well. True! But, London is beyond multi-cultural these days, which is good, but the way people are out in public, is not good.
5) The Wine Bar Craze – Fewer and fewer original pubs are in existence and have been replaced by mostly franchise style wine bars, serving some sort of fake frozen tapas direct from microwave. This is true and it will still cost you a fair penny too, only for you to regret it immediately afterwards. You fell for the bait! You’ll have a hard time finding a place, that’s comfortable, with good drinks and good food in London. Go ahead, try to find a place that works for everyone . Sure, there’s some good wine bars though, but did everything have to turn into a corporate owned entity, carving and ripping the soul out of anything original existing there beforehand. Apparently, this is how it goes, so get a guide for it (here), because you won’t know which ‘Wine Bar’ on any given street corner, that you should actually visit.
4) Dating – Dating in London is one of the worst ideas ever. Go ahead and try it! From your over-priced meal at the restaurant with somebody you realized you had nothing in common with to begin with, while you picked up the bill and rightly so, but your personality match was more like “salt and pepper” rather than “bread and butter”. Will you go home now, do “Plan B” or upgrade to date number “2” (buy here)? If you haven’t dated in London before, then please do so. If you already have, then you’d be happy to leave it alone. Additionally, due to social conditioning, dating now seems to have to occur on an app like Tinder, because of social conditioning, unless you’re on Tinder, you can’t meet people in regular ways. It’s like you’re not even there, you don’t really exist. If you’d like to declare social bankruptcy, watch this at 02:38mins. So, keep swiping people, you only exist on an app or on social media, anyway.
3) The Tourists & Tour Guiding – Who doesn’t like to meet new people from different countries? We know that we do, but not if they stand on the left side of the tube escalator, blocking your green wave of a journey downwards to the tube platform. Please FFS, just stand on the right side, so we can carry on with our miserable lives. But, who doesn’t like to play tour guide? Perhaps, a friend is visiting town and you have to show them around. So, you do Trafalgar Square, Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and the River Thames all in one sweep and then you keep a straight face, whilst they say, “Wow, this is amazing.” and you say, “Yeah, I know, it is. Look there’s Big Ben, Parliament” (watch here). If they’re really special to you, you’ll even take them to St. Paul’s Cathedral or even buy a ticket to enter the Tower of London. If you do that, you must love them very much or they’re family or some sort of best friend. Buy 2017 London Guide, here.
2) Central London – You’re surrounded by concrete everywhere, apart from a couple of parks that people say are so wonderful, like Hyde Park and Regent’s Park, as if you’d wanna’ go there and sit on the rainy grass patch eight months out of the year. Ultimately, what you’ve got is concrete on your doorstep, there’s no rest bite for any inspiration anywhere, you’re surrounded by consumerism, shops, cafes, restaurants, pubs and clubs and if you’re looking for something else, well, then you’re “S.O.L”, “shit out of luck”, so embrace the space and look forward to finally getting home instead, locking your door and pouring yourself a sizeable glass of wine, because Central London can be exhausting. Buy a map here.
1) Shopping – Whether you enjoy the hustle and bustle of Oxford Street, which is avoided by all locals, at all costs, unless you’re in a committed relationship, then you’ll be lucky to find a seat, while your significant other, hunter gathers’ some new items that you’ll have to approve of with a sudden enthusiastic head nod. Just so you can finally get the hell out of there, as soon as possible. Sure, you might even find a bargain, or back to that person you were showing around town, they’ve heard of the incredibly cheap department store, called ‘Primark’, a literal Zoo of sweatshop made threads, but here you will find no seat, just a bunch of women tossing clothes up into the air and shuffling through hangers on a rack. A nightmare! Sure, you can hit Bond Street and look at or buy those big brand names, mingle with the Chinese tourists and feel that it was money well spent for your 300-pound sweater. “It’s nice, right?”. Or you can be a little cooler and go up to Camden and pretend you might find something boho-chic and wearable up there for you to enjoy, perhaps, some leather studded “punk rock” boots or a new wig for Halloween. Wait, Halloween is over, so don’t go there! When you’re feeling extra “IN”, you may want to experience the delights of Portobello Market, to just look at or buy some nice antiques, perhaps, buy a mink coat or just want some unwashed vintage sweater from the 1970s or a fashionable army refuse jacket, for in-between 40-60pounds. Yes, in London you can shop till your heart’s content, get your guide here.
Even though, these ten worst things are completely true, London does have some good things about it, too. You’ll never have a Pint of Beer in any better place in the whole world. So, you will find everything you need here and maybe also find the opposite of everything in our ‘The 10 Worst Things About…London.’ You just have to get out there and explore. Don’t say we didn’t warn you though. Here, pick up a comprehensive guide of what to do in London, right here. Enjoy!
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Feature Photo Credit Public Domain Pictures Pixabay