Here at Braistain, you might be thinking of starting your own 6 a Side team, to keep you fit through the coming winter months. Yes, exercise the beautiful game with some mates or with office employees, on some fake grass, under some shoddy highway overpass in South London. Why not?
Well, what makes up the perfect 6-a-side football team? Do you want a couple of bruisers at the back? A sneaky & quick forward? Or your mate’s cousin Dave, who once played on the youth squad for Crystal Palace (at least that’s what he said)? One of us at Brainstain, almost played for the Wimbledon youth team, yes, the latent “Crazy Gang“, so it’s not far off, needless to say. Vinnie was not near as big of “c***” as Warren Barton was! Nowhere near, mate. That guy would break an ankle of a child, just to crack a smile any day of the week and he got at least one England cap. Haha, crazy gang!
But, don’t you still want to pick a group who will compete for winning by any means necessary, no matter who they clip or hospitalise on their way, or would you substitute skill for the best blokes to banter with?
Here’s what the ultimate fantasy 6-a-side team would look like when choosing from the cinematic universe of crap footy films. The only rule in place is there can’t be more than one player from any particular movie in this side. Who would you choose? We’d play a conventional 2-2-1 and we’d need someone at the back who isn’t afraid to do the dirty work. Someone who will have your back, no matter the cost. That’s why Vinnie Jones’ (buy here) character from ‘Euro Trip‘ is not only my first selection in the dream team, but also has the honour of captaining this rag tag bunch.
Vinnie Jones leads a pack of Manchester United hooligans around Europe and despite having more of an interest in off the pitch antics, you can’t doubt his passion for the game. Can you? Can he actually play football? Who knows? Does it matter? Absolutely not! Check out our Top Defender here.
With that kind of passion, opposing strikers will think twice before getting anywhere near him. Right next to Jones, we need someone with an equally aggressive mindset. That’s why Pete Dunham from ‘Green Street Hooligans‘ slots perfectly into this position. “You don’t run, not when you’re with us. You stand your ground and fight!” Check out his firm rhetoric here alongside Frodo Baggins (buy here).
Another player who leaves questions about whether or not he can actually play the sport (although he probably would help the Hammers’ back four this season). Dunham would surely strike fear into any and all opposition. Will this pair be able to contribute with a ball at their feet? Probably not! But, it sure would be fun to watch. Now to compensate for the pair of bruising backs, we need someone with the silky smooth skills up front who’s ready to pounce on any and all mistakes. That’s why this side’s only striker is none other than ‘Mighty Steel Leg Sin‘ from Shaolin Soccer (buy here). He’ll more than make up for any lapses in defence and while he may suffer at times from a little thing called “gravity”, there’s no doubting that the power of his shot is one to marvel at.
Now to fill out the middle of the park, the midfield needs to be made up of the hardest working pair available. Players that don’t know the definition of the word “quit”.
That’s why “Viola” from ‘She’s the Man’ (buy here) gets the start at right-half, because who doesn’t want a cross-dressing Amanda Bynes in their squad. Bynes takes the place of her twin brother in the school football team and doesn’t skip a beat as she has to prove herself, both on and off the field. If that’s not someone you want standing by your side on the 6 A Side pitch, then I don’t know who you’d want.
Bynes’ partner in crime in the engine room of the team is another player with something to prove. ‘Jess Kaur Bhamra’ from ‘Bend it Like Beckham‘ also took the hard road to the sport, defying her parents’ wishes and all that jazz. She might not be the most skilled player in her own team, but as you have probably guessed by now, that hardly disqualifies her from cracking this fantasy side’s starting line-up. Plus, as an avid Manchester United supporter , you can only assume that the on the field chemistry between Kaur and Jones will be out of this world, especially if this worked as FIFA17 Ultimate team.
Now all we need is someone to stick in between the sticks and who better than Jason Statham’s “Monk” from ‘Mean Machine’ (buy here). With just under a minute to go in their match against the prison guards, Monk comes up huge, pulling off a save that would put many a Premier League goalie to shame. Check it here.
Tell me a bigger save in movie history and I’ll call you a liar. Now who better to manage this team than Michael Sheen’s interpretation of real-life ex-manager Brian Clough, (buy here), everyone’s favorite footballing legend of an alcoholic and with motivational team talks’ like this, who can blame us, “Well, I might as well tell you now. You lot may all be internationals and have won all the domestic honours there are to win under “Don Revie”. But as far as I’m concerned, the first thing you can do for me is to chuck all your medals and all your caps’ and all your pots and all your pans into the biggest fucking dustbin you can find, because you’ve never won any of them fairly. You’ve done it all by bloody cheating”.
If that doesn’t inspire “greatness” then I don’t know what will. So, there you have it, the ultimate fantasy 6-a-side football team. Will you finish top of the 6 A Side league in your office? Unlikely. Will there be a few dark tackles and general fear in the work place, afterwards? You betcha, there surely will be! And, it would be great to sideline that one muppet sitting across from your desk, who’s been annoying you all year, wouldn’t it? Absolutely! In hindsight, this could have just been a list of Vinnie Jones characters’, but there wouldn’t be as much fun in that, would there? We’re surprised Keira Knightley didn’t make the cut, oh well, maybe next season.
Who would you pick in your 6 A side Team? Respond in our comments section.
<Story by Riley “Caveman” Krause>
Feature Photo Credit OpenClipArtVectors