In this day and age, we are inundated with information on both social media and through other information platforms, yes, the lonesome days of “You’ve got Mail” (buy here) to somebody casually dropping by your house and or somebody writing on your MySpace wall, are well and truly gone forever. Let’s jump back to 2007, when most people caught onto Facebook and we saw the first I-Phone released. Yes, in that summer of 2007, it was truly a memorable time now that we were on a perennial shift in humanity, without knowing it yet. It’s sparked a never-ending progressive change of how we live our lives today and it’s given birth to the varying notions of social media anxiety. Sure, 2007 was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? You could creep on people’s profiles and catch up on all your old school chums lives, (Zzzzzz) to even start poking people (useful) and go through their extremely happy holiday albums. All none the wiser, to how extensively these initially funny quirks of life, way back then, have seemingly turned society into a social media circus of too many apps and too little human contact.  (buy here)

When you see last night's status update. Photo Credit: BeauQ Pixabay.

When you see last night’s status update. Photo Credit: BeauQ Pixabay.

Which brings us to the notion of social media anxiety and to the moments where you wish you could just hide under your bed covers for an entire week and pretend you’re swimming in that dry ocean of your hopefully already clean bed sheets. We know you’ve wrapped that duvet around your head and pretended to be an ‘Eskimo’, as you woke up with a hangover and feared what you may have posted online the night before, which could’ve ended the entire world’s existence overnight. That desperate post drunk feeling whilst logging into Facebook after a massive bender the night before, that sick feeling, knowing that only a Pizza will cure this feeling of dread and regret. What the hell did you post? What happened last night? It hasn’t sunk in, yet?

So, deep runs the anxiety for some that they are literally caught up in fear of this age of information, on the other hand, it has created a profession of social media pariahs who make money posting things online, mostly scantily clad posterior photos, oiled up breasts in designer bras on Instagram, the complete opposite of social media anxiety. They have totally cracked this nut, millions of followers, money in the bank, well done & well played. However, what about those on the other side of the spectrum, that take offense and are afraid, when Facebook always asks, “What’s on your mind?” Facebook always wants to know what’s in there, don’t they?

What do you post now? Do I look fat in this photo? Is it okay for your girlfriend to pose like that, is she sufficiently clothed? Who cares, share her with the world, but stop right there, before being flagged? Don’t get ahead of yourself, social media gloating is still frowned upon. What if I share what I’m having for lunch, what will my cousin’s roommate think, if I update my status in this way?

I have to post something funny now, so people know that I’m really having a super good time and I have a sense of humor. I have to share some sort of self-improvement meme or post, to inspire others, while I continue to battle depression. I’ll have to share some motivational speeches by Tim Robbins, so I can share those positive vibes, don’t I? Yes, some people feel like that they have to and become something of what they say on social media. Do I have a double chin in this one photo? Wait, can you ask the waiter to re-take this photo, please? What will my best friend from 2nd grade think, if I share my objective of the day, will he understand the coded message, it wasn’t meant for him, anyway, was it?

Should I just “STFU” and avoid this status update, all together. Hmmm (so many decisions?). It’s always recommended for a social media anxiety sufferer to engage in a little spring-cleaning of your friends list. It’s standard practice these days, way more important that rinsing the garage of old “sh*t” that you didn’t need in the first place. But wait, what about that woman you met in a bar once, remember, three years ago, she’s still in there? Damn, should one remove her? You never even spoke to her since that night, even though, it truly was magical, wasn’t it? Until you woke up and asked who the “F” is this, right?

So, I better just leave them in there for 3 years, that should be enough social media silence, until it’s acceptable to finally remove her. What should one do? What’s the correct etiquette here? And, what about Timmy from 2nd grade, that you haven’t spoken to since you were about 8 Years old. Is it okay to remove this guy, it’s taking up some social media space surely, isn’t it? So many decisions and so many complications day to day, for a social media anxiety sufferer, imagine an OCD for social media on top of that, and you wouldn’t even be able to get out of your shower, phoneless. “F***!”, it’s all wet now, best to dry it off in a bowl of rice.  SMH, the things people have to go through today!

Photo Credit: Violinka Pixabay

Is it still happening or are we reaching a dead end? Photo Credit: Violinka Pixabay

Nobody liked my post, I got no shares, and nobody likes me. My virtual friends collection did not respond to my idea or clever update. Hmmm. Here, have a Xanax and just relax. We are the dawn of an age, where people are secretly sick of Facebook and couldn’t give careless about those wonderful holiday photos from 2007, anymore, so, whilst this condition apparently exists, one thing we know is that it’s no longer politically correct to just push that button and poke people, but it’s not even frowned upon to just randomly delete useless fake friends from your collection. How many of them do you really engage with? Are you worried about how many Instagram followers you have, have you since transferred all your best holiday selfies’ to there, instead? Does your boyfriend know that you’re still using Tinder, behind his back? Throw them a SUPERLIKE and watch them quickly disappear like the mass media on US election night.

Yes, social media can be a lot of fun, so what we are saying is just share the hell out of everything. Be apart of this crumbling humanity that’s online and contribute your unapologetic views to everyone who couldn’t care less either way and if they do, simply engage in the thread like some Norwegian internet Troll of web warfare, exposing and not literally killing off people, but doing so from the comforts of your QWERTY keyboard, on any given topic.

Don’t be afraid, this is the place to engage, not to fold and roll up like a Five Pound note and then inhale your regrets with some viciously energetic anxiety ridden blow-out, showing nothing but a grand meagerness of character instead.  Use this social media platform to shine or just slowly delete all those that were never there for you in the first place. The choice is infinitely yours. Brainstain over and out!

You could file for social bankruptcy, watch here. Portlandia nails it!


<Story by The Narrator>

Featured Photo Geralt Pixabay.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.