Real Red Rooney Has Arrived!

It’s official, Wayne Rooney has sped through the ‘mid-life crisis’ stage of his career and entered his ‘crotchety old man’ faze very quickly. Seemingly, as if Gary Neville called the shots on public opinion. That means we’re all in for a treat, right? On Saturday night, the English (former) captain decided to celebrate the side’s 3-0 victory over Scotland (because who knows when the ‘Three Lions’ will get another chance to taste victory ) by GATECRASHING A WEDDING. Wedding Crasher’s (Buy here).


Yeah Wayne?! Try to kick a ball instead of getting pissed drunk!

Rooney (buy here) was photographed with blood shot eyes with two ladies that were presumed to be wedding guests (possibly the first actual brace he’s scored since January). Since then he’s apologised (well, a spokesperson apologised on his behalf) which isn’t really the same thing, is it? “I’m Sorry” for getting “paralytic” on red wine and beers. We say who cares, right? Let him get pissed up, if he wants to!

Let’s have a look shall we. Rooney’s career has been put in a downward spiral lately.

  • He’s bagged more yellow cards (4) this season than he has goals (2).
  • He’s coming off the bench (if at all) for the country that he once used to lead,
  • He’s been replaced at club level by a man 4 years his senior and with much better hair. Zlatan!
  • And to top it all off, one guest at the wedding said Rooney looked older in person. Those hair plugs not fooling anyone anymore.


OLDER IN PERSON? The bloke is already a 30-years-old who looks like a 40-year-old ‘Shrek’, and then someone dumps that on him? I’d be having a stiff drink, too.

Shrek Having a Sip, as well.

Shrek was also caught having a “Sip”, the irony. Photo Credit.

This sums it up, right here. Give the guy a break already!  He hasn’t had that drinking experience yet!

The question now though is where to from here, presumed and one can only hope that Rooney embraces this new Conor McGregor like, ‘I just don’t give a f**k’ mentality.  Well, let’s dissect the possibilities shall we?

The 2022 FIFA World Cup to be played in Qatar, just put a ban on alcohol, which is just the latest disaster in what will no doubt be one of the worst world cups in living memory. So, even if the national side wanted the bald battler to come along in some coaching/leadership role, we can only assume that old-man Rooney would quickly decline.

His career contract with Manchester United is over in roughly 20 months, will the club be willing to pay a high price for someone of little to no value to them (apart from taking the spotlight off their dreadful run of performances)? Probably not. And, would Rooney, the heart and soul of the club take less money than he believes he is worth? Maybe, pre old-man Rooney would, but not this new and improved version won’t. The version that stands up for his god given right to party like he won the division 5, South Sunday league grand final in style.

Red faced Rooney. is it the wine?

Red faced Rooney. Is it the wine, perhaps?

So, what you say? What do we do with the lovable larrikin that I have no doubt Rooney will soon become? If Rooney still wants to play then the way I see it, there are three options. America, China or Australia.

Ahh, yes the good old United States of America, where old men such as Didier Drogba, Robbie Keane and former England skippers Steven Gerrard and David Beckham (smell him) have all landed. Only in America, watch here.

They’ll certainly pay him enough. But no, old-man Rooney will not pick the States because that’s what people would expect him to do and this is the new and improved Rooney, with all inhibitions sold separately.

Then there’s China. My god they could pay him some serious coin over there. If you thought his current contract of $300,000 a week was overpriced, you ain’t seen nothing yet, just ask Brazilian star Hulk and his $320,000 a week ego boost. Nice! Here’s that deal! Maybe, Rooney should start his Mandarin lessons now?

I say “NO”, once more. Rooney has earned enough money in his career (I would hope) and now he just wants to sit by the beach, tan his pale head and get drunk on Tuesday afternoons. Solid!

That’s why Australia is the perfect fit. Of course, he’ll have to step up his game if he wants to compete with some of the other sports players’ in the land of Oz, to match this new persona. With defecting in hotel hallways (Nate Myles, NRL) and pissing in your own mouth (Todd Carney, NRL) just your average run of the mill stories down under, so Rooney could finally be who he wanted to be his whole life and who he would have been if for not some immense talent on the old football pitch. He’s an absolute drop kick of a bloke, that Rooney is!

But, isn’t that what Rooney at this stage of his career wants, a new challenge away from the sports field?

As an Australian, I say welcome “Wayne Rooney”, welcome to the better half of your career. Go down under, m8!


<Story by Riley “Caveman” Krause>

Featured Photo Credit: MasterTux Pixabay

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