The 10 Worst Things About… San Francisco

At Brainstain, we’ve been around the world a few times and we’ve have had the displeasure of listing up the ’10 Worst Things’ of any given place and storing it in our memory bank. Today, we take a closer look at the hippie town of tech boom and arguably the capital of the village-hobo and thus the boho chic delights of everyone’s favorite biggest littlest city of San Francisco. Who doesn’t love to travel anyway? We do, but not always to the same places. So, with that we had to weigh in on some of things that we’ve noticed about this town of complete and total Giant 49’ers.   So, let’s begin, from last to first, here’s ‘The 10 Worst Things About San Francisco’.

No Ear Spacers. Sort it out!

No ear spacers with my coffee? Come on! Sort it out!

10) Plad Shirts, Ear spacers and Woolly Beards – Yes, a combination of these three phenomenon’s starts off our list with strength, a sure-fire recognizable trend, taking the Bay by storm. Is this the image of a Hipster? What is a Hipster? ‘Definition: a person who follows the latest trends and fashions, especially those regarded as being outside the cultural mainstream.’ Okay! Yet, these miserable followers have only gone on and created a type of uniform of sorts, where only the most impressionable people need apply. We say make your own trends, therefore, you won’t fall into a ridiculous mainstream aesthetic of fashion. Wait, you’re intentionally dressing and looking like this because you’re outside the cultural mainstream? Okay then, onto the next one, “come we go!”

 

9)   The Start Up – Yes, we couldn’t help but realize that everyone is starting something, even as we speak. Everybody wants to be starting something, it seems. Nobody knows exactly what that might be, yet? But, ask around town of what all the people are really doing and inevitably they are in the process of a start-up, starting something. Never has a word or phrase that means so little, come to define so much about a whole town of people. What is a start up? We had to ask the dictionary on this one. Definition: the action or process of setting something in motion. There you have it, so whether you’re starting your next laundry cycle or start running your shower in the morning. This song here is for you, so that you can start going about your business every morning.

Surely, it should be cheaper to look this. But, that's San Francisco, expensive to look this good.

Surely, it should be cheaper to look like this? But, that’s San Francisco, it’s expensive to look this good.

 

8) The Basic Bitch Look – No, we aren’t being mean here, we are just following and pointing out a trend in a city where freedom of expression is so-so highly regarded. So, why do 95% of the women between the ages of 20-35 all dress in the same way? No, don’t get upset, just ask yourself, why? Why wear a pair of black tights, Ugg boots, an oversized Coffee cup with an outdoorsy jacket or in a Uni-Qlo Padded Vest, every day of the week? Somehow, for a town that’s so ahead in many ways, we find that there are already a couple stereotypical uniforms of the majority of people in this very list. Wow, muy-muy original, San Francisco. Buy here.

 

8)   Things Close at 2am – We would feel that this would be a hindrance to any good nightlife in any big city; however, in San Francisco there really isn’t any nightlife to speak of, so anyway? Who cares, whether you have to start getting drunk way earlier or not? You can still buy your alcohol 24 hours a day and drown your sorrows just like that. Or just stay smoked out (lean) for the best part of the day, so that you can keep up with the truly sleepy pace of this secret giant sleeper town. That is unless, you want to dance to some crazy tunes at ‘Mighty’, ‘End Up’ or ‘Public Works’ and inhale some off strawberry flavored concoction from a bag, just so that you can carry on raging until way beyond “2am”. On a quest to find that uber-cool south of market (SOMA) late night rave party, running till early morning in some disused office space, where Molly will grab you by the hand and lead you into the dark abyss of tech employees and hipster hobbies. Actually it could be fun or maybe not?

 

Here he is, Karl The Fog. Kind of beautiful though.

Here he is, ‘Karl The Fog’. Kind of beautiful, though. Photo Credit: Unsplash

7) Karl the Fog – Yes, the famous fog of San Francisco is so prevalent that they have even named it “Karl”. Why? We don’t know and we can’t be bothered to find out, but you can or our guess is that they were probably stoned and just decided whilst gazing into that grey pile of nothingness that’s always covering the city, like a fresh duvet of incredibly murky proportions. “F*ck it” let’s call it “Karl”, “Karl The Fog”. He will always be there for you, right on time. We actually love “Karl” here at Brainstain, it gives the city some definable character that everyone can relate to. Buy here.

 

6) The Beaches – If you want sand kicked or flying into your face, so that you can stick your finger in your eye and get that grain out, then this is the place for you. It’s windy, cold and “Karl” has shown up once again to ruin your day at the beach. Are you going to hop into those thrashing waves and swim way out there, only to get eaten by a Great White Shark? Or perhaps step into a fresh pile of dog shit, left by your lovable resident dog owner? Either could happen, so you might just decide to skip this farcical beach idea all together. Here’s a real beach.

 

5) People Wearing Cargo Shorts and Flip-Flops In Freezing Temperatures – No, we didn’t forget you people, that walk around with flip-flops and socks, wearing shorts (buy here) whilst the wind and sub-zero temperatures literally kill you, but “NO”, not these men, they’re oblivious to the cold and still insist it’s nice and warm outside. Nice! Are you sure you can still find your nuts? Also, by the way, you look like some sort of mid-western tourist on holiday in Italy, yes, like a lost millennial on your first trip to Europe. Please, stop this and invest in a pair of pants!

 

4) Everyone Has an App– Yes, whatever the conversation, you’ll be sure to hear the phrase, “Wait, I have an app for that!” And, you betcha’ they do, in less than a blink of an eye, your conversation has switched to someone showing you some new app on their sh*tty phone. Insisting to cross-reference any conversation with a quick Google search or some SatNav map, to take you to some place, which someone said was really “brilliant” in San Francisco. Okay, I think I’m just gonna’ go home and go to bed now. But, wait! Find it on YELP!

 

3) Taking The Bus – This could easily be the worst or perhaps one of the most entertaining things to do in San Francisco. Hop on the bus. Forrest Gump said “You never know what you’re going to get” and this explains the nail biting and often interesting journeys you will have.   Will you be engaged in a conversation with a homeless alcoholic on meth, or somebody strung out on heroin, or will you just wave it all way and carry on with your day as normal? We have tried both ways and it’s truly charming to travel in this way, it does add that little bit of extra salt to the city. You just never know, what will happen when you ride the bus. Watch here. Enjoy the ride, standard bus stories within.

 

See those hills with optimism.

See those hills with some optimism.

2) Walking Those Hills – Yes, San Francisco has wonderful hills. But, it’s not so wonderful when you already have the walker blocker in your damn shoe. Without the correct attire on your feet and without the stamina of an Olympic gold medalist, trust us, you won’t get far, until you decide to order an Uber instead. Your calf’s will thank you later. Buy necessities here.

 

1) Leaving the House After Dark –   Where will you go? Will you go to the cinema at the AMC Metreon or the AMC on Van Ness? Only to walk out afterwards and be harassed by an angry homeless man, stalking you and your girlfriend. Errm, not so pleasant, San Francisco. I really only wanted to take my girl on a date, mister angry! Or will you stand outside a bar and smoke a cigarette, only to have someone confront you for a cigarette, five dollars and then also perhaps tell you a story about missing the Cal-Train and he needs $40 dollars so he can go back and fetch his new born baby from the platform station, that he completely forgot about earlier in the day. We have nothing against these sorts of things happening, but if you ask many people, there’s a problem in San Francisco, that can’t really be ignored much longer. They really need to help these people. It’s become a sanctuary of homeless people and life sufferers’ due to lax laws. So, America needs to provide support and not just put everyone with these problems in San Francisco. It’s making people really turn off to this once liked town.

 

Can America finally help these people? It's not okay for it to be like this.

Can America finally help these people? It’s not okay for it to be like this. Credit: Werner22brigitte

Oh yeah, on a funnier note, try explaining the dress code to people coming from out of town and confusion is sure to arise. Where are you going and what do you wear? A shoddy nightclub, to San Francisco’s supposed fine dining (hard to find), or perhaps to an undoubted old firm favorite of cruising Golden Gate Park at night. Nobody cares, how you dress here. Just go dressed in a pajama with a Uni-Qlo jacket and some Ugg boots, that way you won’t be harassed on the street and you won’t stick out like a sore thumb. After weighing in on with some home truths, we thought we’d lighten the mood by suggesting going to have a cheesy craft beer on tap in your local bar or even visit Alcatraz, which is surely a highlight of this town. It is truly worth the journey. The best thing in San Francisco is that the people don’t take things too seriously and that they are all surprisingly down to earth people. It’s the people that make San Francisco great. So, we recommend you visit this town but also do keep an eye open for the before mentioned on our list of worst things about San Francisco.

Oh, we forgot to mention on our list, the undoubted reality of San Francisco perhaps having a secret annual award for which bar or club that has the most horrible toilet facilities (buy here). Yes, don’t knock it, till you use one. San Francisco seemingly takes pride in who has the most deplorable looking toilets in town.  Don’t believe us, just visit anyone of the numerous draining & watering holes in this place they call ‘The Bay Area”. Get a guide here. Brainstain, over and out!

 

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Feature Photo Credit Jodylehigh Pixabay

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