It was a shocking twist for the racing world when first-time world champion and lavishly eyebrow’d driver Nico Rosberg announced his immediate retirement from Formula 1 – a mere five days after picking up his first world title in Abu Dhabi. It only got more shocking when he announced what he was planning to do next.
“I’ve decided to call it a day,” the German said in a video message, “to stop racing here, just following my heart you know.” However, Rosberg would later go on to mention his plan to relocate to Isla Escudo de Veraguas, Panama; the isolated tropical island featured on BBC nature porn series Planet Earth II (buy). Why, exactly?
“I intend to begin my new life as a pygmy sloth,” Rosberg said, tucking into a handful of leaves and pritt-sticking fur to himself. “It’s time to slow things down. Like, all the way, bloody down. Racing was an adventure, but now it’s time to experience the other end of the spectrum. I shall spend the rest of my days hanging from trees and smiling awkwardly at David Attenborough, I’m very excited.”
Many believe Rosberg’s change in career has been influenced by his slower, more defensive driving style. This, however, is a Formula 1 driver, so “defensive” is “defensive” in the same way that a freight train is “defensive” towards a small packet of mince. Mere seconds after he set up shop on the island, audacious reports of “an incredibly fast sloth,” “loud, vrooming noises” and “comedically sloth-shaped holes in trees” began to surface from de Veraguas. There’s slow, and then there’s F O R M U L A 1 slow, and though he has now donned the claws of the slowest creature on Earth, Rosberg still appears to be in the latter mindset.
Dozens of animals took to social media to express their annoyance with their new, uncharacteristically fast neighbour.
“Kids flattened by asshole sloth on school run. Very unhappy!” tweeted Karen Smith, a local salamander; “Very irresponsible behaviour, Lewis Hamilton would never do this” said Bill Williams, a disgruntled fruit bat; “Day trip with the wife ruined when a sloth that was too fast, fucking ate her. Want my money back!” added Brian Anderson, a visiting seagull who had paid to be there for some reason. Rosberg could not be reached for comment – or at least, he’s taking his time responding, probably to prove a point. Which is fair, but I imagine many want to know why a traditionally vegetarian creature ate a seagull.
Presenter and documentarian David Attenborough – presenter of the show, which has inspired Rosberg – is understandably furious. “Sloths are not supposed to run at high speed,” the nature lover commented, “I know a lot about sloths.” Seconds later, Attenborough found his car mysteriously covered in sloth poo. Whoever did it, clearly left in a hurry?
The question on everyone’s mind is what Rosberg will do next? Clearly, if the swathes of flattened forest floor and pancaked animals are anything to go by, he seems pretty happy with his new life. One could make the argument that it’s much easier to win racing titles in the sloth world, but it’s not really a race if every one of your peers moves at 0.5 miles per hour and looks like a furry emoji. But, despite his curious misconception of how being a sloth actually works, the racing champion is clearly happy with his new life. “Rosberg” is out; “Slothsberg” is in.
Get yourself a Rosberg commemoration cap, right here, if only to keep the sun at bay.
<Story by Jake Pemberton>
Featured Photo Credit: R.M.