So, it’s that time of year again when the office Christmas party is coming up and yours’ is probably just a couple of days away. So, what’s the do’s and do not’s of your standard office Christmas party? Well, it sort of depends on the type of company you work for, in judging what sort of social behaviours are deemed acceptable and what isn’t deemed acceptable? Let’s say if you’re a teacher, then probably you’d pretend to be someone entirely different than yourself, then let’s say if you were at a Christmas media party, in Soho or Chelsea, be that in New York City or London.
Recently, Paramount released ‘Office Christmas Party’ which stars Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman & T.J. Miller, who recently slapped an Uber driver, over a political discussion over Donald Trump (keep it classy), so no doubt, this wouldn’t be acceptable behaviour in an office party setting. You can’t slap people, but apparently, T.J. was then overpowered by the driver and was held in a citizen’s arrest, before being booked with a misdemeanour assault by the LAPD, and then later let go. That’s so liberally, hilarious.
Here you can watch a trailer of this absolutely gimmicky film, which looks really funny for people that have the humor of a 12 year old. Which may in fact, be a large number of any population.
So, here’s 10 things to NOT do at an Office Christmas Party.
- Do not discuss Politics, because you just never know when a hyper sensitive democrat or a feminist, or even a far left deluded green liberal may become upset and that you could even encounter in your office; by only being moderately proud of your own country and also being a fan of financial progress. Which will be met with how Obama created so many new jobs, which the jury is still very much out on. It’s a no, sorry! Then, they will no doubt put you on the spot about the electoral-college and insist that the Jill Stein recounts were happening and they were sure to bring in the right results? In fact, that’s not been the case, nor is Russia hacking or had in any way influenced the voting system in the USA. So, Politics is a no go, if you want to keep your job or your sanity during this arduous affair of uncovering your workmate’s inner intelligence and political beliefs.
- Alcohol consumption needs to be kept down to a minimum, as too much of it could see you blurting out just about anything in the presence of the wrong people. You may even openly question John Podesta? (Outrageous!) So, keep that free alcohol that you so deserve, to a steady and rising scale throughout, but don’t enter the drunken stage. Keep it at tipsy. Otherwise, you might need point 3, in our list.
- Class A Drugs, like Cocaine is best avoided at all Office Christmas Parties, because you might have a hard time holding it together, afterwards. How will you contain that inner rush of just excitement or anger, for all the things that embody your office? But sure, in more liberally lax occupations like in media and music, this might be served on a plate as ‘horderves’ in a back room somewhere. So, it’s all relative to the sort of shindig that your office throws. It is Christmas after all, right? Make it a white one? Hmm, maybe that’s wrong.
- Do Not Have Sex with your work colleagues. This is the golden rule, as this will cause some tension that you could cut with a knife for the rest of the New Year, until somebody decides to move onto another place of work entirely. We often see them, moving from company to company, or moving from promotion to promotion and you wonder why? Why do they get promoted, or why do they change jobs every six months? It’s because they’re f*cking their way up the corporate ladder if you will, or f*cking their way out of a boring job. So, until they move on and f*ck somebody else in their new place of work, they’ll still be there and you’ll see them everyday for that awkward memory. We like to call them the “f*ckers”, and they are often found in companies that employ over 300+ people to be exact. This makes the f*cking less personal, as there is more people to hide behind.
- Do not be creepy and or hit on your work colleagues, as this could be deemed as Sexual Harassment. We all know that it is inappropriate over the whole year, so suffice to say, it’s not right to do that at the Christmas party either. We will refer to this video, watch here, to clarify the types of things you shouldn’t say or do, at even the Christmas Party.
- Be careful of who you wish a “Merry Christmas” to, because somebody might be offended, because it doesn’t adhere to their sensitive religious beliefs. So, before you bestow the holiday greeting on somebody, give him or her a quick once over and then perhaps, say “Merry Holiday”, instead?
- Do not get over excited and request your personal song favorites to the DJ, all night long? Not everybody likes Slayer or 2Pac, as Bing Crosby is more fit for the occasion or even Frank Sinatra, who always goes down a treat, as does Sir Cliff Richard or maybe even some James Brown (like a sex machine) or some Michael Jackson to really get the party started. So, bare that in mind, or you might just be fired in the New Year. Abba is also a safe bet when you want to impress your work colleagues, after walking away from the Disc Jockey.
- Do not reveal the exact figure of your Christmas bonus, if you indeed received one, as some probably did not and others might have received far less than you have. Keep shtum on personal financial gifts.
- Do not bring your boss an extravagant Christmas present, for you will be deemed a “kiss ass” and even your boss will think the same. He will wonder what your conniving Christmas gift means and then start to be paranoid as to what your real motives are. It’s best to put a Christmas card in the mail, rather than show off and kiss up to your boss with any gifts, unlike a “Wiseman” in a nativity scene. Your boss isn’t Baby Jesus and he earns enough money to buy his own Christmas presents, after all.
- Lastly, do not use the Office Christmas Party as the perfect opportunity to photocopy your ass and then stick the image on everyone’s desk, only for them to be found in the New Year, with a written message in stark red marker, saying, “I quit! You assholes!”
We think that just about covers the “do not’s” of Office Christmas Party etiquette. If you do none of the above, your job should be safe, well into New Year. So, you can still go for that super long ass cigarette break or that mysterious toilet disappearance act that you do, which you so treasure and value as your god given right in being just one part of a larger machine.
Brainstain, over and out!
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Featured Photo Credit: OpenClipart-vectors – Pixabay