Up and down the country, people are forced to co-exist in a 4 by 4 open plan room with humans that they would never give a second glance to on the street. These are the people that by choice, you would never willingly socialise with, let alone share the same space of oxygen with inside an office setting.
The presence of said people repulse you and send shivers down your spine, yet when you hear that eerily vague and nauseating voice, you are forced to uphold the code of professionalism and act accordingly.
‘’Good morning, how are you?’’ asks the monstrous figure standing before you with a smile so pretentious and fake, that you can barely see the pupils in their flickering eyes. You hate them and they hate you, yet office politics dictates that you need to interact with this hideous excuse for a human. You repeat to yourself in your mind over and over ‘’keep clam and act professional’’ as you wrestle a smile and reply back with gritted teeth ‘’I’m great thanks, and you?’’.
Well actually no, you are not great, you are depressed, miserable and can’t wait to go home and interact with someone not as deplorable as the obnoxious human that’s standing right before you.
This is the usual scenario faced by many, who quite frankly just don’t like who they work with and for good reasons. This is the survival guide on how to overcome the office political land mine and to co-exist with those work colleagues you so desperately despise.
So, who is that work colleague that makes your blood boil just by the mere mention of their name? I’m sure you can think of at least one right now. Their list of undesirable qualities leaves a lot to be desired to say the very least.
They spy on colleagues even when they are not in their department, they listen in on private chats in the staff-room, they eavesdrops onto telephone conversations which don’t even concern them, they read the mail on your desk and even check your garbage. This is the elements of office war, if you will. They go running to the boss to tell tales in complete and utter exaggeration, only for the right opportunity of self- advancement and ego gratification that they so desperately need. They try to take credit for your ideas and even for your work, when they can barely utter a constructive sentence together. Does this ring any bells?
They think their position is far greater than it actually is, when in all reality, their emails are even illiterate and unreadable at best, and are full of terrible grammatical mistakes, hinting at a lack of basic “English”. Who hired this idiot? You might ask yourself.
So, how do you share a room with somebody so utterly vile? The one seeking to undermine and sabotage you and your reputation and your career at every turn. How can you deal with the situation before it gets out of control and refrain from suffocating them, while they take a nap in the staff room.
The first survival rule of the office jungle is three simple words, DTA (Don’t Trust Anyone). Office colleagues may seem like your friends, but they are usually not. If you think about it, we spend far more time with our co-workers then we do with our friends and even family, however just because you share a laugh with the girl on the reception desk from time to time, it does not mean that they are your friend either. In the office environment lines get blurred and illusions jade your vision, always remember to ask yourself, would you ever communicate with these people if you weren’t forced to work alongside one another, five days a week?
That work colleague that you hate beyond reason (let’s call them the office troll) can come in various shapes and sizes and can even camouflage themselves amongst the unassuming surroundings of printers and desks, however, always remember to be constantly aware of their hidden agendas. Watch what you say and who you say it to, the office troll may have moles that are quick to report back to their masters bidding, so always be cautious as to who you confide in. Write that down, please.
Of course as with most trolls, office trolls work in accordance with the troll ideology, meaning every nasty, sinister and belittling thing that they ever say about you, will never be directed to your face, instead you will find out from work colleagues that are quick to tell all the juicy information of the latest poison that’s spewed from the trolls mouth. They like to think of themselves as the biggest “bitch”, but in reality they are nothing more than a little “snitch”, with little being the most appropriate word here.
Being in the same vicinity as the office troll will cause you to itch aggressively, your body is seemly allergic to this pretentious and overbearing fake bullsh*t which emanates from their vile personality. Just the sight of their pathetic physical stature makes you want to turn and look the other way, but unfortunately due to coincidence or just bad luck, you are continually forced to c0-exist with them, almost as if it’s life testing your patience.
Remember, these are the office trolls, not the fairy-tale kind that sits lurking under bridges, eating children and counting gold coins. We’re talking about mean, nasty individuals that are vindictive and cruel whilst spreading their very own brand of hateful rhetoric for their own gain, so don’t be fooled, even if they appear smiling, remember, that’s a fake smile. Yes, those that smile the hardest, also hate and gossip the hardest. Office trolls linger in the darkened corner of the office, they desire to cunningly destroy reputations and generally try to upset and try to crush as many people as they possibly can.
Trolls crave attention and adulation and this is ultimately their “Achilles Heel”, so just ignore them and go about your daily business and sooner or later, they will fade back into the obscurity where they belong.
In time, their charade will fall apart and they will go back to the pits of despair, where they will surely wither and die, or at the very least hand in their resignation. Karma is the true killer, wait for it and watch them expire soon enough.
“Hey, at least we get some days off for Christmas, hang in there!”
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: Unsplash – Pixabay