Things can get pretty boring in life in a lot of places across the world, in Europe especially, wherever the sun don’t shine basically, so in the United Kingdom it’s no different, it’s where it pisses down with rain constantly and you either spend your time drinking alcohol at a pub, go to some pretentious or shoddy nightclub or even spend that precious free time of yours with your face plastered to the TV screen, watching something really sh*tty, you know what we mean? Or you can stick your head in a cell phone, web surf apps and the Internet, social media and watch people, whilst being watched, like you’re living in an Orwellian “1984” dystopian society, but on the flipside, luckily you can now marvel and watch Z-list celebrities be paid big money to sit inside a house in Hertfordshire, Borehamwood, as usual, it’s that Big Brother house for the seasonal Celebrity Big Brother show.
A true paradox of terrible entertainment in life, so last night it began all over again, super news we think, don’t you? Who’s ready for Celebrity Big Brother?
So, let’s take a closer look at the travesty that is ‘Celebrity Big Brother 2017’, yes, you can once again watch meaningless people spend time together locked inside a house, in Elstree Studios, with cameras watching their every move, from the comfort of your TV and surely this will be the highlight of many people’s winter in good ol’ blighty’. Hey! It could be worse to be fair. Or not?
Maybe, it’s the weather, people coming down with S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and things, not enough Vitamin D, but don’t fear, see there’s always Celebrity Big Brother. Is Orwell tossing and turning in his grave right now? We think he might be, although he did get the year wrong.
Yes, this show sucks as much as modern day western society does, a boring expose with a sleepy selection of characters to entertain you. No wonder, people don’t even want to leave the house, anymore. But, in Celebrity Big Brother they can’t leave the house, so, we can all enjoy that fact, whilst we can always head down to the supermarket. Winning!
Yes, this social experiment in a reality TV format, you all know that it is about as exciting as watching paint dry. So, who do they have in the house this year, let’s take a look, shall we? Remember these are supposed to be Celebrities.
Channel 5’s selection includes, let’s break it down!
Nicola McClean: Sorry, but who the “F” is that? Apparently, it’s another aging glamour model from the United Kingdom. Ah, bless her.
Austin Armacost: We have no idea who he is, but his last name reminds us of an “Anorak”. But, there’s nothing even close to ‘Oasis’ or Liam Gallagher about this guy. He’s an American TV presenter and yet another model supposedly. Loads of models, which nobody has ever heard of, as always
Colleen Nolan : We’ve had a quick Google search since we had no idea who she is either. Thanks Google, she’s a panelist from ‘Loose Women’ sort of like the US version of ‘The View’; so no doubt, she’ll have a lot to say in the house. We bet she has a big mouth and has lots of opinions as well. Perfect!
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: We have vague memories of this couple from someplace, but we can’t remember from what crappy reality program that they first aired on. Spencer is a true “Pratt” in every sense of the word and he knows it, so I’m sure they’re very excited that anyone in the UK gives a “f*ck” about who they are, anymore. Heidi has done some great plastic surgery over the years, which is quite an achievement. We think they were on some TV show, once upon a time, called ‘The Hills’ or something. This list just gets better, doesn’t it?
Calum Best: This guy we know, he is the son of late ex-football legend George Best, a true “lothario” who has definitely piped more women than 6 Year olds have had hot dinners. So, we know why he is in the house, because you know, for that much needed X-factor, if you will. Brilliant, is there any reality show that he isn’t on? Fair play to him, keep it up. Applause!
James Jordan: I don’t even think we will even bother with this guy. Apparently, he is some sort of dancer. Maybe, a Morris dancer? Who cares? Actually, he is a ballroom dancer.
Jasmine Waltz: Another ageing model, this time from the USA, so we are very excited that she’s in the house. We think the term “model” is now becoming synonymous for doing nothing these days.
Stacy Francis: Who could easily be mistaken for a younger Diana Ross, Big Brother are calling her a “New Star”, funny because we have no idea who she is either. We’ve never ever heard of her. She was in some nineties band called ‘Ex-Girlfriend’. But, she looks like she’s a nice person, so she might just balance out any angry parts of the house with a cool head. And, hopefully she can sing everyone a beautiful song at the same time.
Brandon Block: Another “New Star” as they call it, meaning that nobody knows who the “F” this is, but you never know, he could be a dark horse to win this whole thing. Apparently, he is a DJ with a track record of previous drug problems and now is an anti-drugs campaigner since 2009. We’re glad you’re back on track and that you will be inside this house.
Jamie O’Hara: An ex-footballer here, it wouldn’t be complete without one, would it? We have a vague recollection of his name, but let’s just say that he wasn’t one of the better players, ever to kick a ball. No surprises there, then.
Ray J: Former R&B music artist, who had maybe one good song and is more famous for starring in that sex tape with Kim Kardashian. This is obviously the pinnacle of Big Brother’s selection this year. He might even be the most paid and we’ve heard he could use the money. He was also once close to Whitney Houston, but let’s not get into that one right now.
Bianca Gascoigne: There she is again, Paul Gascoigne’s stepdaughter, she still claims to be a TV personality and model. Brilliant! She will make the house very entertaining to say the least with some “cockney” style glam, innit?
Angie Best: She is a former model and former Playboy bunny from the good old days. She will no doubt be able to school the rest of the inhabitants with some real life experience, which they are all so lacking. She is so far, the eldest in the house. We bet you she has a great personality, in all seriousness, watch her be the voice of reason to other housemates in the Big Brother house.
James Cosmo: Last but not least, the eldest is the recognizable Scottish character actor from films, such as ‘Highlander’, ‘Braveheart’, ‘Trainspotting’, ‘Troy’ and ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’ and ‘Game of Thrones’.
Here you can see a selection of photos of all the contestants, so that you know who is who, if you ever turn on Channel 5, that is, the picture selection comes courtesy of The Telegraph. Get to know!
Are you not entertained? If not, then you surely will be or will you just be watching people argue, sleep and eat, and everything else, apart from them actually visiting the restroom? Thanks for sparing us that, nobody wants to see that sh*t! It’s fair to say that we did a very honest analysis of all the Celebrity Big Brother contestants for 2017.
Will you be watching? We know that we definitely won’t be.
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Featured Image Credit: TheSun/CBB2017