What a massacre Sunday night exploded into, right? The 74th Golden Globes descended into anarchy and chaos when ‘Nine Lives’, the Kevin-Spacey-turns-into-a-cat-so-that-he-might-learn-the-true-meaning-of-a-family-movie, received no awards across the board. No doubt you’ve already seen the stories. Meryl Streep was crucified seconds after her impassioned speech against Donald Trump. The cast of ‘La La Land’ were awarded their own severed heads on sticks. Legions of 80’s fans realised ‘Stranger Things‘ isn’t that great and burst into Ego-scented flames right there and then. Such anger! Such bloodshed! And, the question on everyone’s mind is both permeating and obvious by now.
What in the “silly goose”of all hell, did the Golden Globes think was going to happen? ‘Nine Lives‘ touched the hearts of probably millions this summer, making a box office gross of a minimum $15. It is an uplifting, mind-blowing saga that delivers laughter, tears and a subsequent sexual release. A cat getting drunk, even. Really dark scenes that you’d assume have no place in a family film, whatsoever. Industrial sabotage! These are but some of the delights that will set ‘Nine Lives’ apart from the rest of the crowd at the forthcoming gala awards’ season. And, with the Globes’ big brother Oscar, waiting just around the corner, the pressure is on the ‘Academy of Motion Picture Arts’, to not cause another cat-less melee of fire and death. You’re goddamn right they shouldn’t. Here are 9 reasons why ‘Nine Lives’ should win big at the Academy Awards – in cold, furry facts.
1. Kevin Spacey’s Performance as ‘Tom Brand’ Should be Applauded.
“Is that f*cking cat, a CGI?” I hear you ask. No, film fans, the cat you see on screen before you, is in fact Kevin Spacey, who spent some 9 months preparing for his role as a real life feline. Spacey reportedly knocked some 1,000 mugs off countertops, dragged over 700 dead birds through the living room and got run over by a car, a record-breaking eight times before production even began. JUST ONE MORE TIME AND HE WOULD BE DEAD! HENCE THE TITLE ‘9 NINE LIVES’. This risky role preparation should get him at least a ‘Best Actor’s’ nomination, you would think? We eagerly anticipate this announcement of a surprise nomination.
2. It Promotes Diversity in Film.
Several animal performances were snubbed in last year’s awards shows, including the two-headed lizard from the start of ‘Mad Max: Fury Road‘ and the bear from ‘The Revenant‘, who made Di Caprio’s performance even tougher by leaving him for dead out in the wilderness.
3. It Teaches Important Values, such as “Don’t Tase Cats”.
‘Nine Lives’, a family friendly film for all ages, features a scene where two security guards attempt tase ‘Spaceycat’ and put video of it, online. Horrible! Why is this scene here? What purpose does it serve to the narrative? Were you wrong in assuming this was the greatest film of all time? It is only when ‘Spaceycat’ blackflips the taser away or something like that, when you start to realise that ‘Nine Lives’ is in fact, trying tell you something political, which is that “you shouldn’t try to tase cats”. Bam! Wow! Wowwy! From that point on, I never attempted to tase a cat, ever again. You definitely want to get weird Uncle Billy to stop staring at the pet shop, whilst clutching a cattle prod, too? Sit him down in front of this film and let him learn.
4. A ‘Nine Lives’ DVD could probably Stop a Table from Shaking.
You’ve probably already illegally streamed ‘La La Land’ and ‘Moonlight’, so you’ll never buy them for home viewing anyway. However, you can redeem yourself from being a filthy f*cking pirate , who hates the film industry; by purchasing a copy of ‘Nine Lives’ and reliving that magic again, after making a cup of hot coffee on a Saturday morning, whilst eating Kellogg’s, Pop Tarts.
5. It’s the Only Natural “Real Life” Successor to Garfield
Ever since ‘Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties‘ blew our minds back in 2006, with Bill Murray turning in an impeccable Cat performance, since then scores of filmmaker’s have tried to emulate and failed miserably in making films about Cats. ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ almost had it, but it wasn’t about cats, so the original working title of the ‘The Big Orange Cat of Wall Street’ was scrapped, because Martin Scorsese decided to turn it into a really great film, instead. But now, luckily we have ‘Nine Lives’ which is about cats again, taking the furry reins where ‘Garfield’ had left off.
6. It’s the Best Film yet in the light of the Running Film Industry obsession with the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Chris Evans finally brings Captain America full circle, showing us a side to the star-spangled hero that is as emotionally compelling, as it is strikingly subtle. And though, he is as magnetic as ever, Robert Downey Jr. lets Captain take centre stage, whilst making you genuinely question which side of this civil war you’re supposed to be on. It falls short though of ‘Nine Lives’, let’s make that clear.
7. That Sexy Fox in ‘Zootroplis’ fancies your Significant Other, whilst ‘Spaceycat’ respects your Marriage Values.
Please, he’s a home-wrecker this ‘Fox‘ character and he doesn’t deserve an Academy Award, period, point blank.
8. Imagine How Funny it Would Be
No, for real, just imagine if by some unforeseen loophole, ‘Nine Lives’ is rightfully the undeniable winner for almost every award, by just sheer science and cat rights. Watch as the acting elite slowly clap with disappointment as they cannot hide as ‘Spaceycat’ saunters across the stage, meowing and hissing at everyone, whilst pissing on everyone’s long dresses and sitting in George Clooney’s dinner, just for the fun of it. We really feel that the ‘Academy Award Ceremony’ should be all about Cats this year, even though, they can be annoying little bastards! That would make more people tune in, maybe?
9. ‘Spaceycat’ Can’t Get Hacked by Russia.
YOU CAN’T HACK CATS! YOU JUST CAN’T! SO, JUST LET IT GO!
So, there you have it: definitive proof of what the people want. “NO, SHUT UP!”, that ‘Nine Lives’ is the obvious favourite for this year’s Academy Awards, overall. Dare the other contenders now to step out of line, beneath its monolithic furry shadow? Only time will tell. We hear it’s only gonna’ take a few days before this article reaches them and they start to think about our cats, their rights and the political significance of ‘Nine Lives’, as a whole .
<Story by Jake Pemberton>
Featured Photo Credit: Cocoparisienne – Pixabay