Bears, twinks and leather daddies, oh my! The Gay scene is a multicoloured utopia of love, unification and integration, right? Well Dorthy, we aren’t in Kansas anymore.
So with all the love of a Hillary Clinton rally. Here are the 10 Reasons Why the Gay Scene is the Worst Place on Earth, and you thought Afghanistan was bad?
1 – Invasion of the evil cock sucking twinks
Twinks, the very essence of demonic. They are literally EVERYWHERE on the Gay scene, just like an annoyingly itchy bad rash that won’t go away, no matter how hard you try to scratch that bitch away. If you just so happen to be within the radius of an obnoxious screaming twink, run, run for your dear life and avoid like an unwanted STD.
2 – Pathetically plastic and dumb
You will come across the most malicious, spiteful, catty, superficial, promiscuous, selfish, bitchy, shallow, materialistic, nonintellectual and dramatic stereotypes to ever walk the face of the earth. They will be able to tell you who won ‘Drag Race Season 4‘, but will look puzzled and clueless when asked about the current political landscape of America ‘Oh I hate Trump, he’s so homophobic, I voted for Hillary’ erm… can someone push the red nuclear button now please!
3 – The fag hag pack
Gays love their fag hags. You’ll see the bitchy Gays huddled together like a pack of venomous snakes, hissing away complete with overweight “fag hags” in sight. Normally hailing from a grimly council estate and attached to their rectum like a growing fungus while spewing out stereotypical homosexual catchphrases like ‘Gurl… you look fierce tonight, babe!’. We however think it should be more ‘Girl bye’ quite frankly!
4 – There’s so much fakeness in the room it’s unreal!
I’m loving your look tonight, hun’ the bitchy Gay proclaims as he proceeds to peck his “fag hag” on the cheek, ‘Mwah, mwah, darling’ in an exaggerated and theatrical way as the latest repetitive electronica remix of Lady Gaga lingers in the air (Pre Joanne era, of course). ‘”You were born this way’’ mother monster announces as her obnoxious little monsters raise their manicured paws up in the air and squeal. He actually despises his “fag hag” yet without her he is just another lonely gay, so he just uses her to compassionate for his lack of companionship and balls.
5 – Pouts, bones and a whole lotta anorexia
Dressed in denim skinny jeans and teenie weenie tight tank tops that are etched with egotistical and vanity inspired slogans hurriedly purchased from the discount rail at ‘Topman’. The slender twinky Gay proudly shows off his anorexic and skeletal frame as he minces what his mama gave him (which in his case is not a lot). Remember, bones and body dysmorphia are sexy!
6 – Bitch get off my pole!
Sipping fruity beverages and surveying the other club goers with discerning looks of insecurity and superiority, they reek of bitchiness and lack any kind of solidarity as they pout and pose in the darkened corners like a bunch of mean girls, whispering, bitching and throwing shade ‘Oh my god, what is she wearing?’ ferociously sniping away whilst sipping on a Cosmopolitan with one little pinkie finger raised up in the air. Carrie Bradshaw would not condone this kind of behaviour, where is the female unity and sisterhood guys?
7 – Limp wrists and plenty of beard
Gay cappuccino sipping millennial hipsters usually look like bearded blokes, yet upon closer inspection they have squeaking feminine voices and are just as flamboyant as the next screaming flaming queen. Don’t let the Muslim style beard fool you, they are basically just hairy bearded fairies in flannel shirts and heels.
8 – Me, myself and I (starts singing like Beyoncé)
Gay culture is all about the “Me”. There is little to no unity, ultimately it’s about protecting yourself from alienation from other Gay men, other Gay men who want to be noticed and loved just as much as you. Gay men are in completion with one another, who can pull the most guys? who can get the most notches on their bedpost and who can do the best Sasha Fierce impression? Speaking of which, why do so many white Gay men seemingly think they are Black American women and why does the Gay community unashamedly continue to appropriate black culture? Remember, originality honey!
9 – That’s racist!
80% of black Gay men say they have experienced racism in the Gay community. Yet, the irony is Gay men complain that they are marginalised and know first-hand what it feels like to be treated like outsiders and a minority, but are seemingly happy to treat others with prejudice and discrimination. And while there may not be Jim Crow Law segregation, you can expect a whole lotta shade and racial stereotyping. Remember… Black Lives Matter!
10 – Sluts, sluts are everywhere
Gay men on the Gay scene are are wild sex maniacs who are incapable of monogamy or any kind of emotional attachment. Love? These feral cannibals wouldn’t know the mean of love. Grindr anyone?
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: DeviantArt