TINDER SELECT: Secret Club for the Social Media Elite Revealed

Hey, do you know that dating app called Tinder? Hmmm, no not really, please refresh our memory, would you? Well, it’s that swipe left and right app that people spend time on (f*ck knows how long?) until you match up with somebody that you wouldn’t even touch with a selfie stick. Yes, you catch our drift on the overall experience of the app, a sort of communist tech downgrading of people into a swipe-able form, so that you can sift through until boredom finally kills you off for good. But, that’s not the news of the day, today’s revelatory Tinder news is that there’s been a secret operation that’s been happening within Tinder all along, well at least for the past six months, called ‘Tinder Select’.

See! You do learn something new everyday. So, what’s ‘Tinder Select’ all about? The secret invite only version of Tinder is now available for the rich, beautiful and famous. So, how come we have not been invited, yet? That’s what we really want to know…

No, truly Tinder Select chooses individuals that it wants to join the members-only club, based on how attractive you are and if you have a high social media ranking. So, this Elite group has been operating under the radar for at least the past six months. It almost sounds like a democratic Russian hacking conspiracy, doesn’t it? Or it even sounds like some sort of weird sex cult division within the app, where you may only date in masks that are made out in Venice and thus Nicole Kidman is your highly sexed wife, there for everyone to share.

We have no chill with Tinder, we always go in! Photo Credit: Twipic

Back to reality now, as this is of course for single people and the hidden ranking system gathers how well you are doing on Tinder and on other social media apps, before you even get invited.

We just got another match on regular old Tinder earlier and let’s just say we won’t be pursuing that one either, so we continue to leave a 1 star rating on their app with no explanation. Just “Ghost” that whole section, you know?

Basically, “no f*cks” given which is fair enough because we’re pretty much all “f*cking tired” and just “all f*cked out” these days, anyway. Which is just as well, as the saying goes “there’s a time and a place” and being on Tinder is definitely not the place to be at all. And, we aren’t sure whether there ever will be a good time to be on Tinder. It’s a “No” from us, quite frankly.

So, Tinder Select is mainly for Celebrities and for those with a huge following on let’s say Instagram and on YouTube. Surely, sounds like an interesting dating pool of the most pretentious and most narcissistic people on the planet, but you’ll never know until you’re invited, right? We can’t wait for our invite.

Wow, those are the people you really want to go on a date with then, we suppose? Imagine the intellect coming from some of these people. “How many followers do you have?” “I don’t know, how many stalkers do you have?” Great! It’s a match then!

Tinder Select works as a filter instead of a separate app, with the user being able to turn it on and off, like a Switch, with a Blue S, instead of the Tinder Flame logo at the top of the screen.

The secrets of Tinder Select began to unravel 6 months ago when Twitter user Claire Marshall, received an email invite to join back in October of 2016, expressing her joy at her inclusion over a Tweet to the world.

She said: ‘Just received an email saying I was chosen to join Tinder SELECT (which is a thing apparently) so I should celebrate…’

Should she really? Please, tell us in our comments section below.

Wow, look at all those social media elites that you’re not dating, right now. Photo Credit: AppAdvice

According to the Tinder ranking system, which is used to accrue better matches for users, in an interview with Fast Company at the time, Tinder CEO Sean Rad explained: “It’s very complicated. It took us two and a half months just to build the algorithm because a lot of factors go into it. It’s not just how many people swipe right on you.”

There you have it, there’s a complex algorithm in place in order to qualify you for this invite, but all we are wondering is how and why dating has now been relegated to something as fickle as Tinder, in all honesty.

When you finally you match with somebody you feel attracted to, there goes their personality, which you also have to factor in, being that they may be more concerned with how many Instagram followers that you have or that they may have, so all in all, is Tinder even worth a squint these days and our answer is a large and resounding “NO!”.

We’d rather perform three root canal operations, than to be boxed into a modern-day dating app and then try to use witty opening up conversation lines that is just so cheesy, to think that this rhetoric even exists is beyond us.

Bye Tinder, we never liked you. You turned dating into a Liberal Silicon Valley of Communist intentions (everyone’s the same) with no real substance to speak of. Congratulations!

So, here are Five Reasons provided by Tinder Sociologist Dr. Jess Carbino on ‘Why People Swipe Left’ on photos and we thought we would answer them bluntly, just for fun.

Reason 1

Not smiling – “We never smile in pictures, only in real life. We can’t fake smile.”

Reason 2

Covering your face, even a little – “Who does that? Surely, Islamic Dating must be on another app altogether and we aren’t quite sure how that even would even work out for them?

Reason 3

In a group of people   – “We do our upmost to avoid most people, so that’s not the problem, so we wouldn’t put a group photo up. Why would somebody do that? I mean we see why some women do it, from our side, definitely, we see it all the time.”

Reason 4

Wearing a Hat – “We aren’t for hats either, you won’t ever catch us in a Fedora, never!”

Reason 5

Wearing any kind of glasses – “Nobody tells us to take our shades off!”


Now, the reason why we swipe left is because we’re just not into you. And, the reason for ghosting a match is because we never knowingly swiped right on this person in the first place.

Everyone must agree that Tinder is garbage, right? Anyone who says otherwise is clearly somebody that you should avoid at all costs. Apart of the problem in this modern-day western society. Maybe, Tinder Select is where it’s at? So, be sure to invite us when we are even more Internet famous, right?


Zzzzzzzzzzz.. Brainstain, over and out!

<Story by The Narrator>

Featured Photo Credit: The Verge

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