It’s Monday lunchtime and it’s already back to work for many, but for the forgotten few on the back-burner of unemployment it’s another tedious and soul destroying session of applying for jobs, filling out monotonous applications and trying to impress the gatekeepers that possess the key to your future happiness.
Clutching those keys are the chosen few, Recruiters, Recruitment Consultants, Head-Hunters, Interviewers and Hiring Managers. But regardless of what smug and egotistical title they have plastered on their email signature, they all belong to the same satanic brotherhood cult of darkness that is… Recruitment!
Recruiters are sinister creatures, profoundly immoral and wicked, bathing in the blood of applicants and job seekers alike, whose existence have been disillusioned and left in tatters from another rejection email lingering in the darkest depths of their email folder for the 200th time.
The recruitment department are plotting the end of civilisation as we know it, one application at a time!
Do not let the friendly voice and jaded smile fool you into a false sense of security, you may have shared a joke and exchanged pleasantries during the interview, in which you was promised the world and led to believe that you were a star, but as soon as you leave that room, your name is entered into the rejection list as fast as you can say ‘’Job Seekers Allowance!’’.
Recruiters are not your friends, in fact, they are not even human, they are emotionless drones resembling something like that of the extraterrestrial race known as the Daleks from the Dr. Who series, complete with robotic ‘Do you have experience?’ monotone noise that zaps out from their mouth, all while scanning CV’s for ”key words”and ultimately deciding your fate in subjective interviews in which the very essence of humanity will be scrutinised, judged and ridiculed.
Forget Freddy Krueger, Recruiters are the embodiment of absolute evil, but just how evil? Well, here are 9 reasons why Recruiters are absolutely pure evil. Be afraid, be very, very afraid.
1 – You ain’t nothing but a keyword
Without breaking into an Elvis rendition, a Recruiter is a simple click away from someone achieving career aspirations. But just like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ if you don’t possess the magic word, your CV could be lying dormant and gathering digital dust in the rejected folder of an overpaid Recruiter. For you see, Recruiters are paid to magically spot ‘key words’ on CV’s that somewhat resemble the position they have been tasked to fill. They are not paid to think outside of the box, the box they operate from is very narrow, as narrow as their soul and the ”key word” that they have been assigned to find.
2 – Soul or CV?
Your worth as a human being is essentially defined by your CV. You are not a person with passions, dreams and with the willingness to want to progress and enhance your skill set. You are just another unemployed casualty of the E.U and there are plenty more where you came from in the job seekers rejection bin, including migrants who will do the same job for a fraction of the pay. Recruiters don’t care about you; they won’t dig deep into your social media profiles to find about you as a person, your blog, you’re favourite books, or your prime areas of interest and expertise. They won’t ask you about your long-term goals, or your dream job. They have a job to fill and you are but a keyword search in a long list of CV’s awaiting their demonic gaze.
3 – Do you have previous experience?
Looking to apply for a Human Resources Executive position? Then make sure you have actually been a Human Resources Executive previously, otherwise you can expect the generic “thank you for applying… but’’ rejection email faster than a diabetic getting high at a sweets factory. There are many, many issues with Recruiters, but ultimately they are unimaginative inhumane machines who do not see the bigger picture. Someone may lack the very specific title of Human Resources Executive but the Administrative experience they have gained previously in office based jobs is very similar and are in essence transferable skills, yet Recruiters process no ethics, morals or even common sense and lack the fundamental vital ingredients in spotting talent and any star potential. Recruiters are not paid to see development and opportunity in candidates; they are paid to fill vacancies, seemingly as vacant as their logic and integrity.
4 – Would you like to see our dessert menu sir?
The most insulting thing about Recruiters or the person sitting opposite you in the interview is that in most cases the applicant applying for the vacancy, actually has more experience than the person fortunate and lucky enough to find themselves in the privileged position of deciding who gets the job and who gets the generic “thank you for applying, but’’ rejection email. When a recruiter whose previous experience prior to that role includes Waitressing, you have to question how the hell did someone like that actually get a position of recruiting people, when all they’ve ever done prior is clean tables!
5 – It’s a no from me!
Being filtered by a 20-year-old former waitress called Emma with sparkling white teeth and a duck face filtered LinkedIn profile photo, who barley has any industry knowledge and having your 5+ years of experience being disregarded like a used condom is insulting enough, but when they have the audacity to send you a generic rejection email even though you have all the criteria required for said position, you suddenly are able to fully understand why serial killers go on mass murdering sprees.
6 – We regret to inform that you absolutely suck!
“We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for this position’’. Giving such disappointing news much be a hard task right? Recruiters like to give the impression that destroying dreams and ambitions of hopeful applicants is just as hard for them, as it is for the job seekers now contemplating suicide. But do recruiters actually “regret” informing you that you absolutely suck (subjective) or do they get some sort of sick, twisted and heinous thrill out of stamping on the hopes and dreams of others to death? I think the latter is more likely. Sending out rejection emails is a satanic ritual; you are merely just another human sacrifice by the dishonourable hands of the demonic Recruitment department.
7 – Do you like… actually recruit?
Recruiters spend so little time doing what they are actually employed to do, “recruit”. To actually recruit, like, really recruit would mean to go out into the world to find, talk to, assess, judge, sell, convince and bring home the best people to fill a job for a position. But that would actually require leaving the comfortably perched position from behind a static computer screen and physically going out into the realms of reality and actually, you know… doing any work.
8 – Have you actually read my CV?
‘’Can you talk me through your previous experience?’’ says the Recruiter with your entire career history in front of them on your CV. Recruiters are either dyslexic or simply cannot be bothered to go through the effort of actually doing the necessary research and preparation. You have in possession my CV with my entire life in the palm of your hands, including at what age i began to crawl and take my first steps, yet you want me to physically repeat out loud what is written on the hallowed pages of my resume? Would you like a foot massage and a hand rub while i’m at it too?
9 – I have a sales role available, if you are interested?
Head-hunters, the problem with these CV crusaders is that they simply don’t pay any attention to the desires of candidates. If a CV says that a candidate is only looking for work in London, Recruiters should not email them about positions in Australia (unless they have specifically stated they are willing to relocate). If a CV says that a candidate is only looking for work as a programmer, Recruiters should not email them about a commission based telesales position. Recruiters, is it really that difficult a concept? If Recruiters would simply do a little reading, or (God forbid) thinking, the world would be a better place.
The world would be a much better place without Recruiters. Maybe President Donald Trump could take out an executive order against them? Or better yet, ship them off to North Korea!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: EMSRG