The St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl Shenanigans Guide

Hear, hear! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the day where mainly the Irish and lots of alcoholics rejoice, celebrating the most famous patron Saint of the Emerald Isles’ passing, by commemorating the day of Saint Patrick’s death on March 17th within drinking tons of Guinness and perhaps even having some Jameson Whiskey, topped off with Bailey’s Irish Crème Liqueur for lunch or dessert. What could possibly go wrong?

Now, if you look out the window and you have “f*ck all” to do for work or in your life, thus meaning you have a day off, well then, the sky is already and always was grey as “f*ck” on St. Pat’s Day, so if that doesn’t get you in the mood for drinking, then nothing will. So, what better place to start your celebration off on this special day, then down at the local pub?

Nice, Aye’

If this is your plan for the day, then you have automatically and unknowingly unlocked the daytime pub-crawl, as there’s no other day in Spring where getting completely pissed (drunk) out of your mind, is totally acceptable and encouraged. No disrespect to the Irish on their special day, but you know what we mean, right? This is a famous day for drinking, after all, so here’s some pointers or inevitable consequences of your thirsty pub run.

You Start Drinking Early

You may have already begun at 11am when the Pub finally opened and by now you’re pretty pissed already, contemplating whether to just continue with a liquid lunch or whether to up the ante, with a meal or with some other crazy thing, to keep you going, right? Yes, if you’ve ever done the St. Patrick’s Day ritual of getting totally rat arsed drunk during the day, until sunrise the next morning, then none of the following should come as any surprise to the seasoned veteran of such shenanigans.

It’s always best, when you’re obliterated.

How Many Drinks and What Should You Have?

Any seasoned Irishman would stick to the Guinness to start with and you’re probably aiming for two to three pints an hour, with at least one visit to the bathroom there in between, to compensate for the ingesting of all those liquids in such a short time period. On an empty stomach, after your third pint of Guinness, you might even be feeling a little sick, so then its advisory to eat something or even nothing at all, but just keep drinking. Hey, even switch up gears and have that Jameson Whiskey that you swore you wouldn’t even have. If so, you’ve probably unlocked the evil leprechaun from within already, so it’s recommended to keep drinking Whiskey, in only intervals in between the beer. You don’t want to turn into a Leprechaun, do you? Never go full leprechaun, umkay? A happy medium rate of drinking, after going all day long, we’d say is about ten or eight drinks, or even more and you should feel just fine. Stay on an “Even Keel”, as they say, as there’s no need to “rock the boat”.

Come on! Let’s have some bloody whiskey, shall we?

Don’t Forget Your St. Paddy’s Day Hat!

There’s no other better way to signal to everyone that you’re out on the “Piss” on St. Patrick’s Day, than by wearing one of those famous novelty hats, usually marketed with a Guinness logo of some kind. By wearing one of these hats, you’re signalling to everyone else to go and get pissed drunk too, or even to join in on all the fun, as well. How nice! So why not tell the world that you’re on a pub-crawl in style, with that St. Paddy’s Day fashion statement, with your very own Leprechaun hat. Get your hat here, if you don’t already have one! How else will anyone know that you’re completely game for getting drunk out of your mind, hmmm?

“I’m sorry, we’re f*cked, drunk. Join us, come on!”

Is it Okay to Use the Day as an Excuse to Carry on Your Excessive Drinking Habits?  

Yes, it is, this is an alcoholic’s favourite day in the calendar and the Irish don’t (give a f*ck) care if your Irish or not, at all. So, this is a day where you’re meant to get drunk, so alcoholics find themselves in a position of enablement from the get-go, so what’s not to drink? After a few of ’em, everyone’s gone full on Irish on March 17th. “Weirdly now, You’re Irish, too!” You might even just unknowingly catch the accent yourself, which is all apart of this drunken journey, my friend.

Your inner urge to drink, multiplies today.

How Long Should the Drinking Persist for?

The drinking should usually continue until the last man is standing. No, if’s and’s or but’s about it, you drink until you can’t drink anymore. So, as a guide you keep the drinks coming, until your balance gives way or until you do the unimaginable, which is pack up early and go home, instead of ending up in the ER, due to a face plant on the curb outside the pub. But, it is advisory to have some food or even any class A drug at the ready; to keep your drinking session lasting even longer, either will do fine, as you try to re-compose yourself for the next round. Of course, with friends to hang onto, as well, this should also help to keep you balanced and your feet firmly on the ground. Don’t worry, everyone’s Irish tonight, strength in drunk numbers.

Another drink?

What do I do with my Guinness Goggles?

It is expected for your vision and clarity of what you see, to gradually deteriorate after the more you drink, so make sure that your  goggles are really strapped on tight, as this could be a bumpy ride, after all. If you’re not careful you could end up waking up the next morning with “Edna”, the one-eyed pub lady with that one mole on her face, and none of your friends will ever let it go or ever let you forget about that one time, on St. Patrick’s Day (when you got hammered and then cried in the shower afterwards, like in ‘The Crying Game’). See what we did there? Of course, that film was set in Northern Ireland, but you get the idea. Make sure, that your goggles aren’t deceiving you into doing something you will regret. But, if you’re as lucky as a Leprechaun then you might find the “Galway Girl” that you’ve been looking for.

Galway Girl. Black hair + blue eyes. Very rare, aye’.

What About the Next Day, after St. Patrick’s Day?

Well, you thank your lucky charms that you’re still alive, as your vision returns and hopefully you find yourself waking up at home, in your bed, with the mother of all hangovers. St. Patrick’s Day hangover has been achieved and nobody died, seemingly, but you’re still not sure, so you have to recall what happened the night before. You do your best to find some water, you drink it, then you double-check your social media accounts on your cell phone and make sure that nothing untoward was posted or that anything bad happened. Hopefully, nothing was posted, not even a photo of you wearing one of those stupid ass hats went online. If the coast is clear, then you will most definitely close your blinds, shut out from the rest of the world for 24 hours on Saturday morning, and then nurse yourself back to life, with some calorific pizza or a fry-up, like the complete slob that you well and truly are. No worries, it could always be worse. Hair of the dog, perhaps? Why the f*ck not? Then, you proceed to feel like a fragile child until your hangover is over the next day and then you swear that you’ll never ever drink again.


Well, at least not on the same levels as you do on St. Patrick’s Day. So, what are you waiting for, it’s time to get out there and get completely smashed, aye’! (The following must be read in your very own Irish accent )


“After all, you’re not a f*cking saint, are ya’? Cheers!”

Brainstain, over and out!

<Story by The Narrator>

Buy the Leprechaun Movie Box Set here! 

Featured Photo Credit: IB Times

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