It’s been just under a week since the world first laid eyes on the unedited and untouched cellulite of Kim Kardashian’s behind. The world quite literally stood still in stunned silence and gasps of disbelief as the rear crack of the wife of Kanye West was left to be seen in all its unholy imperfection after years of mystery.
Suddenly, there were earthquakes, volcanos erupted and whirlwinds that destroyed civilisations as the true blemished derriere of Kim Kardashian brought down mankind in one sweep.
But, rather than prepare for doomsday we here at Brainstain are feeling rather euphoric that Kim Kardashian has cellulite. In fact, with Kim having cellulite, this could be the second coming the prophets have predicted. The cellulite has been sent to save the human race from extinction. Here are 10 ways how Kim Kardashian’s cellulite could save humanity. Kim’s cellulite is our saviour and we praise every lump, nook and cranny.
1 – There is enough cellulite on Kim Kardashian nether regions to feed an entire 3rd world country. Just think, Kim could single handily wipe out world hunger and poverty with one single butt cheek. That’s a whole lotta cheek for a whole lotta Syrian refugees.
2 – Kim’s cellulite could just be the bargaining chip Britain needs to finally rid themselves of Angela Merkels E.U clutches. Forget the Brexit “Exit Bill’’ during negotiations with Brussels, Kim’s cellulite is far more valuable than the estimated 60 billion euros to leave the multicultural brewing pot.
3 – ISIS fear women, well western women, anyway. And even through the Islamic state would love to cover up Kim in a burqa; the force of the cellulite is just too powerful to be put into submission. Forget nuclear warheads, there is enough cellulite on Kim Kardashian to annihilate ISIS into oblivion.
4 – Speaking of nuclear warheads, Kim’s cellulite could potentially put an end to the looming threat of World War 3. America could offer North Korea Kim’s cellulite in exchange for its peace and tranquillity. Through with an even greater force of destruction (Kim Kardashian’s cellulite of mass destruction) in Kim Jong-un’s hands, just how long would peace prevail?
5 – Kim Kardashian’s cellulite luring scent could be used to bring Madeleine McCann out of hiding. Come on out Maddie, Kim’s cellulite won’t hurt you.
6 – Maybe Kim’s cellulite could be used to exterminate first minister of Scotland and the leader of the Scottish National Party, Nicola Sturgeon once and for all and put an end to her evil second Scottish referendum? What kind of sicko would want to slice the UK in half? Save us cellulite, save us!
7 – Kim’s cellulite could be Theresa May’s running partner during the UK general elections. That cellulite could just be the extra push UK Prime Minster needs to get those much-needed 16–25 year old millennial votes. Millennials love cellulite, you know?
8 – Kim’s cellulite could just be the tracking device the FBI needs to trace those pesky deleted Hillary Clinton emails. Who needs cookies when you have cellulite?
9 – Maybe Kim Kardashian’s cellulite could wipe out Buzzfeed and force them into liquidation?
10 – Or maybe, just maybe Kim Kardashian’s cellulite could save humanity from the predicted end of the world apocalypse! Who needs Jesus when you have the power of Kim’s cellulite? Hallelujah!
May Kim’s cellulite release you from all your pain and despair.
Praise be to the cellulite!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: Pout & About