No one is safe from the leftist offence-takers and politically correct whining brigade it seems. Not even the undisputed queen of “saying it how it is” Katie Hopkins.
We here at Brainstain are still in mourning that Katie Hopkins, the voice of the voiceless and the self-proclaimed Jesus of the outspoken, has been ousted from her throne on LBC Radio.
Sunday mornings at 10am will never be the same again. Ever!
Katie has long been the vocal advocate of common sense and can often be found “tweeting” her despair of the current sordid state of society, from the influx of feral un-vetted refugees to the harsh and barbaric reality of the religion of supposed peace, Islam.
As well as being a critically acclaimed world-renowned journalist (even Donald Trump has been vocally supportive of her work) Hopkins has branched out on numerous other projects including as a social and political commentator on Fox News and starring in her very own TV show ‘The World According to Katie Hopkins’ in which we the viewing public, was given an insight to the alternate universe in which a commanding Hopkins ruled and reigned supreme (clue – it was a far superior existence than the world we live in today).
And, in that parallel universe in which borders are shut tight like a feminist’s labia and clitoris, and where strands of female hair does not cause catastrophic warfare, Katie took her rightful place on the steps of 10 Downing Street, next to the resurrected ghost of Margaret Thatcher, who is beaming with sheer admiration as new Prime Minster Katie Hopkins flips the V sign hand gesture in complete patriotic victory.
Of course, this is just a fragment of our imagination, Katie Hopkins is not our glorious leader, and even though Theresa May is doing a rather swell job as Prime Minster at the moment, and is definitely on course to win the upcoming election, we couldn’t help but wonder, what life would look like under the rule of Hopkins.
Upon the news that Hopkins would not be returning on LBC, Twitter was set ablaze with liberals, feminists, labour supporters and Muslims alike, all unifying in formation like a Black Lives Matter rally led by Beyoncé under the hashtag #SuggestNewJobsForHopkins
With job title suggestions ranging from the person who irons Trump’s wig every morning to a Missing person, leftists and liberals everywhere were having a field day, in the wake of national mourning after the murderous slaughter of 22 people and 59 others being critically injured at the hands of an Islamic terrorist in Manchester. It was nice to know that everyone was so over the grief that rapidly and the subsequent heartbreak, that they had outpoured only a few days before.
We here at Brainstain think the perfect job position for Katie Hopkins would be supreme ruler of the British people. Here we analyse the Hopkins manifesto and pick out 6 Manifesto Key Points under British Prime Minster, Katie Hopkins. Rule Britannia and Rule the Hopkins.
1 – We’re all going on a one way Jihadi holiday
Hopkins and LBC parted company in the same week that she called for a “final solution” following the Manchester attack, which saw mostly young teenage girls killed and dozens injured after a suicide bomber detonated a device, as concert-goers left the Manchester Arena. As British Prime Minster, Hopkins would have the authority to put that “final solution” into immediate effect. So, what would that “final solution” look like? 23,000 potential terrorists and ISIS fighters are currently back from Syria and are now in the UK. But with Katie in command, these “losers” as Trump would so elegantly say, would be shipped and deported, never to be seen or ever heard from again. Imagine that!
2 – Oh Burqa off!
If terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn becomes Prime Minster after the election, expect a mandatory requirement for all non-Muslim women to wear the Burqa in multicultural unity. Under Hopkins law, Burqas would be banned and the sight of an unveiled woman would not send Muslim men into a frenzied state of “allahu akbar” apocalypse and then proceed to blame and beat the women for showing bearing her femininity as a result. Who say’s Katie Hopkins isn’t a feminist!?
3 – Katie will avenge you Maddie
“Maddie wasn’t lost because somebody took her; Maddie was lost because she was left to be found”. That was the defiant message the mother of 3 told her listeners on her now disbanded Sunday LBC slot. It has been 10 years since Madeleine McCann vanished into obscurity and even through all evidence, logic and common sense pointing to a Gerry and Kate McCann satanic ritual gone wrong, they have managed to avoid all police investigations and prosecution. Well, that was until Katie Hopkins became Prime Minster. The Hopkins government would bring criminal charges to the McCann’s and launch a full investigation and begin legal proceedings into her disappearance and find the answer to that age-old question, what ever happened to Madeleine McCann? Kate McCann was heard that night, screaming “the bastards took her!” Well, under Hopkins, she would find out who those nasty bastards really were and then arrest them, accordingly. Even if those ”bastards” do turn out to be Maddies own parents.
4 – These gun ships are not for turning
With Donald Trump’s proposed “Muslim” no fly list of countries being overturned by judges in Hawaii and California, Prime Minter Hopkins’ proposed travel ban would “not be for turning”. Indeed, the Hopkins migration ban would include all wannable refugees, economic migrants, feral humans and cockroaches with suitcases and iPhones wanting to come to the soils of the UK, met with gunships, no entry signs and vicious pest killer spray. No amount of coffins and bodies floating in the water would convince the Hopkins government to open our back doors (dirty pun, definitely intended).
5 – You are what you eat, in jail
In a 2014 TV documentary, Katie raised obese eyebrows everywhere when she said fat people were lazy. She added that she would not employ fat people because they look lazy. She illustrated her point and quite literally put her opinion where her mouth was, by managing to gain and then lose three stone in weight as a test. During the Hopkins administration as Prime Minster, there would be a national weight limit of 12 stone and a complete shutdown of fast food restaurants and corner chicken shops, in fact, under Hopkins authority, consuming any form of calories would be deemed a criminal act and would result in a life sentence of starvation and isolation in prison fat camp, until said weight miraculously vanished.
6 – Geographical location names considered
In 2013, Hopkins caused some upset when she said she would not let her children play with lower class children, with names like Chardonnay and Tyler. She made the remarks during an appearance on ITV’s ‘This Morning’ programme, in where she admitted that she judges children by their names. With Hopkins as Prime Minster controlling everything from migrants and weight, expect the naming of your children to also be under close scrutiny. Yes, with the naming of children like “Shaniqua” would be a classed as a criminal act. It’s bad enough these poor children are born with a life sentence of their own by just being inflicted with such terrible sounding names, so it’s only appropriate that those cruel and villainous parents would be punished appropriately.
Would you like to be a citizen under the law and order of Katie Hopkins? Or are you an overweight Muslim called Tyler, ready to start a Hopkins revolution? Let us know in the comments section, if you would tick Hopkins in the ballot box, come election day, if this alternative universe was indeed a reality. All hail the Hopkins!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit – Daily Mirror