It’s been ten years to the day since the first iPhone was released. Well, so what’s changed? Obviously, the iPhone’s have changed along with the advancements of modern technology, right? You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to have noticed that, of course! We’ve evolved from the very first iPhone to now the impending iPhone 7, haven’t we?
Did you come here for a technological breakdown? If so, then click here. And, do stay there a while and then come back to us later.
So, we aren’t going to give you the standard run of the mill article about what’s changed inside the iPhone, nope, since it’s “oh so boring” and all you’ll need to do is to open up your own phone and think back ten years. Got it? A bit of a stretch perhaps, but the magic of iPhoto can help you recollect all that’s happened in ten years, right? You know? The memories? Family, children, your wife or partner, ex-girlfriends, lusty flings and all of those things. Jeez, only you know what will be found in there, correct?
If you need some tech spec? Then go to the Apple store, since we don’t need to hold your hand through that, do we? They already have said “geniuses” for that, too.
So, we’re going to service you with everything else that’s changed because of the arrival of the “Smart” iPhone, which first hit stores in the USA on June 29th, back in 2007. Both pro’s and con’s have happened, so now let’s see if you agree on any of these Five points listed for each, or even if you can see or even recollect any of those memories, at all? But, before we go any further, let’s just let you know that here at Brainstain, we’re very much down with the iPhone, like connected at the hip (our steel piece), you see? Aren’t you packing an iPhone, too? If not, it’s about time that you convert to an iPhone, right about now.
So, that hasn’t changed, but what has changed then? Let’s get into this!
Pro’s of not having an iPhone, Ten Years Ago –
Instant Messaging and Hyper-Connectivity – Nobody could instantly message you and just annoy the f*ck out of you? People would literally have to type an SMS for quite sometime, before even reaching you. This also meant that you’d still talk to people on the phone, when you really needed to or even when you wanted to. The “call” was still the way to connect with people, in more ways than one. Do you remember the Motorola? We had that flip top phone, that way you knew that you couldn’t phone your partner, when you were “creepin” away from home. But in all fairness, iPhone have fixed that a long time ago, with the security lock, but try to go creepin’ nowadays. You just can’t! Only professional hoe’s will ever say that “sorry, my battery died or my phone just got stuck, all of a sudden”. Oh and people, don’t let your partners know your iCloud passwords, okay? They can access the find my iPhone tracking app and things, which will prove that you’re not inside the cinema watching Alvin and the Chipmunks with your bestie… Haha! After that, there’s no domestic Netflix and chill nights at home, no more! You’ll have to pay your own rent, you ratchet-ass!
Dating – Yes, before the smart phone, we didn’t have Facebook either and so dating was still old school and it was very good indeed. You’d actually have to fall in love naturally, through talking and dates and not some sh*t app called Tinder. It was all without the gimmicks and people didn’t judge you by how many Instagram followers you had, and whatever pictures you had in your Facebook albums. There was lot less social media lying and just straight forward honesty. Less posers and bullsh*t, all around. Everything was at face value, and your game had to be tight, alight?! You remember? Don’t you?
Privacy – Yes, the year was 2007, not 1984 or 2017? How we’re time warping right now, yes?! All your business was truly a lot more private. Hence, why Nokia phones have just recently been re-released. Much to the joy of professional businessmen, hustlers and drug dealers everywhere. Off the grid, indeed! But seriously, do catch us on the bat phone one day, because it was nice back when all of your conversations were well and truly private, right? But do feel free to listen in, won’t you? We do like our privacy, but we also love you too. (Mwah!) You’ll hear all sorts of silence and epic snoring on the sofa.
Music – Before the iPhone we were still sort of buying CD’s, but after the iPhone, we even scrapped our iPods and CD’s, sort of a shame, because they were nifty little devices and CD’s ensured creative originality and real heart within the musical output, since we didn’t do as many digital downloads, at all. Nowadays, you get one good song, then a bunch of crap one’s on an album. But, ringtone rappers, Crazy Frog and crap music was already very much on the rise, through the mid 2000’s, but still before the iPhone, we still had the illusion that the music industry would be okay in the end, and that artists’ didn’t need to join some devilish cult or sing on some shite reality TV show, just in order to make money off of their art. Sometimes “illusions” are a lot like real life.
Digital Memories – You know how you didn’t have the capability of snapping great pictures on your phone, some ten years ago, quite to the great extent as you do have today. So, there’s definitely no Pro to be had here, since you had to spend money on a side piece digital camera. But, in your mind it was beyond ridiculous that you would ever be able to stuff that digital Canon APS inside your tiny and tight little iPhone someday, right? Ha! Apple knew just what to do, even when we didn’t know. But, hey people! If your idea is to share “hoo-ha” and “big rooster” pics on your Apple devices nowadays, let alone store them on your iCloud account, then you’d have to be a serious risk taker. So, we always leave all the extreme “XXX” sports fans (in-line skating & base jumping) to their own devices, if you catch our drift? Since still, the Polaroid camera will never be beaten on that front, right? It’s even still used in the Fashion and Film industry for Christ’s Sake. Coincidence? We think not! Since nobody needs an M. Night Shyamalan “fappening” style “The Happening” thriller twist in their lives, right? Use a Sixth Sense about yourself, okay? We all did, ten years ago. We just can’t erase the look on the face of that lady who developed our photos, way back then (go on darling!)… Priceless!
Con’s of not having an iPhone Ten Years Ago –
Instant Messaging and Hyper-Connectivity – Ten years ago when you were high as a kite off that “super sticky icky-icky”, you actually still had to call the Pizza place and pretend you were totally sober and even remember what you wanted to order. Damn, we had it all together back then, didn’t we? But nowadays, there’s an app for that too. Thanks Smart Phone! Plus, when you were skint (broke) as hell, you couldn’t just WhatsApp call people for free all over the world. Anyone remember having a girlfriend or partner abroad? God damn those phone bills, eh?! We were all a slave to the monthly phone bill, which would always show up once a month and it would literally always tear everyone a new one, right? Anal rape was clearly a lot less painful and more easy, than those monthly phone bills, ever were! Thank you Apple! (Mwah!) We’re all connected today and for free! (High Five!)
Dating – Yeah, for all those shallow Tinder pro’s and tech savvy jerk-offs, could you imagine any of them without the shallow dating app’s that didn’t exist ten years ago? They were literally shit out of luck, without personality and substance, they were doomed to a life of perpetual masturbation, but the iPhone stepped in and helped them all, by creating an illusion of self-importance for them to express on social media, only for equally as shallow women, to be able to connect with them. They say some people bloom later, well, thank f*ck for the iPhone, otherwise, they were never-ever to bloom. Blame their shallow parents and or vacuous siblings, for not teaching them anything. The iPhone gave them a way to escape their families. So, without the iPhone these unfortunates born into families of total numpty’s, would never have found any love, at all. Imagine that?! They’d be stuck inside that paternal prison forever and ever and ever. Thanks iPhone!
Privacy – We’re still trying to think of one single con in the privacy department, in not having an actual iPhone, from ten years ago…And, we’re still thinking (hmmm?), can you help us please? Do leave us a comment in our comments section below of anything we might have missed out on, please.
Music – There’s plenty of con’s in this category, since before the iTunes app and subsequent internal music player, some sad f*cks still ‘effed with the “happy-skippy-dippy” CD players like modern-day joggers from Albania (on those super fit Instagram vibes) “Witness the Fitness“, or better yet, they’d already evolved to the epically forgotten format of the Mini-Disc player. We heard they still sell ’em for $12.99 on Ebay direct to Romania plus P&P, so dust off that sh*t and sell it now! Then, come back here and don’t forget to thank us later!
Digital Memories – Were hard to come by; pre-the year of 2007, unless you re-visit your old storage unit now, where all that material magic and nostalgia still remains, beside your space-age alien bong and old porno magazines (hopefully you emptied that dirty water out and unstuck those sticky pages) you scummy so-so! Yes, but now when Armageddon comes, much like every episode of Ancient Aliens tells us, then at least every trace of our civilisation will be gone forever, inducing all your naked photos (it’s fappening), so we will have yet another clean slate for the next species to inhabit this earth. So, enjoy now and make sure you enjoy with an iPhone, as these Androids are from Mars, remember?
We got that black belt in Black Comedy, so do not approach us! Ever!
Brainstain, over and out!
<Story by The Narrator>
Featured Photo Credit: T3