There is nothing wrong with being a ‘Ho Ho Ho’ this festive season, in fact, we thoroughly recommend it. Love costs a small fortune, Christmas costs a small fortune, so come Christmas Day if you happen to find yourself besotted and romantically involved then you may also find yourself completely out of pocket and claiming Universal Tax Credit with the next batch of illegal and unregulated Afghani migrants by the time Christmas Day rolls around.
This Christmas, think about the price on oyster cards and train tickets (which in London get more expensive with each passing year… thanks Sadiq Khan!) you will be shelling out on, the fancy meals and the gallons and gallons of wine and sherry you will be consuming over the season to be jolly, in order to just be intoxicated with your significant other. Of course, all that alcohol will surely also spark an argument or two as well.
Think about all the pennies you could be saving by just staying in the warmth and confines of your double glazed heated bedroom, miserably alone and utterly single, all while watching the obligatory festive re-run of Home Alone 2, reminiscing about the days when things were so much simpler, and what you wouldn’t give to go back in time and tell your younger self not to be so self-consumed and ungrateful when your grandparents brought you a pair of socks for Christmas.
Now they are no longer alive, your socks have holes in them, and the singleness and loneliness that you feel right now is palpable. So palpable that in fact, the frost currently forming around your window seal is filled with more jingle and joy then you currently are.
But hey, you’ve managed to put aside £50 this month, and in London, that’s the equivalent of an entire life wage for an Indian child factory worker stitching together ugly Christmas sweaters that get sold on eBay, so consider yourself fortunate to be alive during a time when Trump is President, Theresa May sabotages any hope of a hard Brexit, and where absolutely everything is just f*cking expensive!
Being single come Christmas does make life a whole lot less stressful, and with decisions like “should I buy this ridiculously overpriced celebrity endorsed perfume /aftershave for my partner whom I have only been dating for 3 weeks” seems a whole lot easier to make, because you’re single, and you don’t have to make such heartfelt lifestyle decisions that affect your very being (and bank balance).
Those thoughtful /useful /meaningful / gifts you have to magically purchase and agonize over are all but a fragment of your imagination. Instead, your Christmas evenings can be filled and dazzled with more Quality Street sweets than a cocaine dealer rammed in your stocking for you to binge eat during the festive period, because you don’t have to share them with a nagging and irritating partner who won’t let you consume diabetic ridden chocolate in peace.
Speaking of being morbidly obese, one of the glorious things about being single during Christmas is that you can be a complete and utter fat f*ck, slob around in your PJ’s all day, and no one will ever scrutinise you because you’re absurdly alone and perfectly single.
This means bad renditions of ‘Last Christmas’ in the shower and miming along to Slade on the radio, just because you can, since this is not the X-Factor and you are not here to be judged and told that you are deluded.
Being single allows you the opportunity to be a selfish c*nt during the festive Christmas period quite frankly, which kinda defeats the purpose of the whole loving and sharing thing, but HEY, rather than having someone else to consider when it comes to which selection box gets opened first, or what festive films you get to watch, you can do exactly what you want and when you want.
For example, eating a whole lotta mince pies and not even feeling one ounce of remorse or guilt, even if they were left for Father Christmas the night before (sorry Santa).
Yes, we all love a Christmas drink, and yes, the odd mandatory social interaction can be amusing, but who wants to be dragged to midnight mass when a) you aren’t even bloody religious and b) the only place of worship you want to reside in right now is under the duvet, complete with a selection box and a choice of Christmas movie marathons.
This is Netflix and chill, the Christmas edition, just without the unnecessary STD’s or Christmas cards.
Speaking of which, if you’re a straight female, transsexual, or a non-gender conforming non binary, you don’t have to shave your legs this Christmas, because let’s face it, the only people looking at your cellulite incrusted legs will be your pervy uncle who you only see once a year on every boxing day, so let him have his yearly grope. If Weinstein can cop a feel, it would seem unfair and discriminative if Uncle George didn’t get to fondle his Christmas sack, right?
It’s times like these that you wish you had kept those Rudolf nipple tassels. What a time to whip out that red nose reindeer, eh?
At the end of the day, there is nothing more nauseating in December than witnessing loved up couples swapping salvia under the mistletoe while you’ve spent the past three days in the same snowman pyjamas, smelling of something resembling a migrant camp (which we can only assume is not a particularly nice smell, at all). But, Christmas is fleeting, and soon it will all be over, so it doesn’t really matter if you’re single over the holidays, does it?
Merry Christmas everyone!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: filmschoolrejects