Christmas is literally only a few days away! If you haven’t put anything atop of your Christmas tree, then you really aren’t doing Christmas correctly. With most people choosing to place a star (representing either the Star of Bethlehem), a Christmas angel, or a fairy on top of their Christmas tree, you would be right in thinking that you are doing the festive season the normal and morally accepted way. You know, just the way that baby Jesus had imagined it, before he magically appeared as a fetus in the womb of his surrogate mother Mary.
Call us absolutely Christmas crackers, but here at Brainstain, we thought we would be slightly less conservative this year and suggest alternative ornaments to put atop of your Christmas tree of the less Christian / religious kind, and slightly more of the contemporary style.
So with all the festive joy of a stuffed Haram turkey, here are 7 alternative things to put on top of your tree this Christmas. Remember folks, this Christmas, if you’re going to put something on the end of it, make sure it’s of the rubber variety at least (and preferably vegan). Let’s start from best to worst.
1 – A Godly Image of Donald Trump
Much more authentic and holy than any angel or shining star could ever hope to be, why not make Christmas tree’s great again with an actual bona fide image of our supreme leader and the all-mighty ruler of absolutely everything. Guaranteed to offend any purple haired feminist and non-binary transsexual within its radius this Christmas. Perfect! It’s especially useful if you have an annoying gender fluid Buzzfeed reading cousin that’s coming over for Brussel Sprouts and Turkey, who you just want to trigger and piss off, just like any other of the leftard snowflake family relatives arriving this holiday season. Remember, ’tis the season to trigger snowflakes, fa la la la la, la la la la.
2 – Kim Kardashian’s Sacred Ass
Not the pimpled cellulite sagging version, but the nicely portioned airbrushed version that easily impressionable duck-faced teenage girls worship on Instagram in between sessions of squatting, selfies, self-loathing, and perhaps self-harm. Forget jingle bells, all the jingle you need this Christmas is inserted in those totally “non-surgically” enhanced, Kanye West owned butt cheeks. Jingle all the way and deck the halls, y’all.
3 – Kim Jong-un and his sparkling festive Rocket
That other Kim in our lives, (who’s not shagging Kanye West), is of course North Korea’s supreme leader and our very own “little rocket man”, Kim Jong-un. He’s just one finger push away from causing complete and utter Armageddon and devastation, so why not give your Christmas tree a pinch of nuclear dynamite this year before any impending annihilation is upon us, with a miniature nuke rocket on top of your tree? It’s just perfect if you want to give radiation burns to Aunt Maureen who always puts a pair of useless and boring Primark socks in your stocking every damn year. Stupid bitch!
4 – Kylie Jenner’s inflated Lips
Are they real, surgically pumped up, or just an ancient alien artefact that’s been brought back to our world from outer space to end all of humanity as we know it? Regardless of their origins, Kylie Jenner’s lips are the talk of the town (literally) so what better way to show that Christmas is the season for giving then proudly showing off a pair of officially endorsed Kylie Jenner lips that have (probably) brought a lot of joy and happiness to certain men since their creation? ‘Tis the season for giving, after all.
5 – Harvey Weinstein’s Penis
But Kylie’s enormous and unnatural looking lips are tame and miniature compared to the monstrous stature of American film producer and everyone’s favourite “SEX PEST”, Harvey Weinstein. There hasn’t been a more infamous and notoriously intimidating body part in American history, other than Bill Clinton’s little knob, that has caused so much despair, and that’s just the anguish of having to insert yourself inside Hillary Clinton for a number of years, so what better way to celebrate diversity and backwards feminism then by placing Weinstein’s little weiner atop of your holy tree this Christmas Eve?
6 – Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi Can
In between her humanitarian activities and being our modern-day version of an arguable Mother Teresa (but just with longer legs), you too can do your little bit for humanity, and bring about peace and unity on earth by placing a can of Pepsi on top of your tree as a sign of solidarity for improved race relations, and even open borders. Christmas is all about peace, love and corporate social responsibility after all, right?!
7 – Kathy Griffin Head
The decapitated bloodied head of the supposedly funny comedian Kathy Griffin, perched merrily on top of your Christmas tree is surely a happy and festive sight to behold. It would bring even the most Grinch-like of family relatives a lot of Christmas cheer this year, since let’s face it, any situation involving Griffin beheaded and totally silent is a fantastic Christmas gift all in of itself.
So, what one of our obscure and off the wall Christmas tree topper suggestions will you be placing upon the top of your decorative Christmas tree this year?
Let us know in the comment section down below. If you’re the easily offended type, what politically correct and totally un-inflammatory object will you be placing atop of your tree? Please ensure that your answers are halal and free of cultural discrimination, so don’t suggest an economic Islamic migrant or something of that nature, okay?
Remember, Christmas is for everyone.
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: Life of Trends