Is Father Christmas Just A Fat, Old, Dirty Pervert?

He illegally swoops across boarders in his uninsured sleigh with no passport or official documentation, and likes to tempt unassuming children with his big fat sack. No, we are not describing Jeffrey Epstein wearing a Santa beard, or even Bill Clinton aboard the Lolita Express (instead of a sleigh) though the similarities could be uncanny (despite Monica Lewinsky being well of age when she enjoyed Bill’s salty Christmas treats, like that one time inside the Oval Office)

We are of course referring to everyone’s favourite obese bearded merry old man, Father Christmas, better known as Santa Claus.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good.”

Hmm, we don’t know about you, but that Santa sure sounds like a creepy old pervert to us! Who the hell watches over someone when they are sleeping like some crazed psychopath!

Yes, Santa Claus looks eerily similar to a fatter and less terrorist sympathising version of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, but with grander flowing white/grey locks of hair and a longer beard to match. However, Father Christmas on paper, still brings joy to spoilt pre-pubescent children all over the world, who greedily expect free gifts for absolutely nothing all, written on various letters in illegible handwriting, whilst still being unappreciative and not contributing to society in any way, shape or form. Sort of what Socialist Labour expects of ILLEGAL immigrant adults.

Which instantly reminds us of the Romanian and Albanian migrants that are currently seen loitering outside betting shops and tampering with cashpoints (ATMs) throughout the United Kingdom, doesn’t it?


Speaking of lying no-good rotten low-life Christmas crackers (be careful when you open them, you never know what ghastly surprises you may find), we wonder if former President Bill Clinton was on Santa’s good boy list when he was accused of sexual assault, rape and lying under oath to Congress about his sexual acts with a former White House intern?

Then again, the Left and Santa do have a lot in common, and we aren’t just talking about enjoying a good ol’ grope and mince pie here and there either.

With left-wing luvies and Hollywood hypocrites being exposed for covering up high-profile sex offenders and predators among their virtue signalling peers, it wouldn’t surprise us here at Brainstain if Mr. Saint Nicholas himself was exposed as a festive fumbling pervert this holiday season as well.

Let’s face it, the evidence, much like the recent Harvey Weinstein revelations and the disclosure that Tinsel Town is in fact, just a glorified cesspool of perverts, pedophiles and rapists is rather overwhelming, which is a perfect time for Santa to just show up and try to take everyone’s mind off the obvious elephant “pedophile” in the room, that’s actually standing atop of the Hollywood sign right now, as we speak, with the sleigh nearby for potential child abductions.

How many unsuspecting children have been forcefully placed on Santa’s lap with the promise of a gender neutral toy for being a good boy / girl / transsexual / non binary child, this very holiday season thus far? We wonder…


Father Christmas is actually pretty demented the more you think about it, demanding that children provide him with a stash of sherry and mince pies or they won’t get that feminist trans-gendered burqa wearing doll that they have waited patiently for this whole year (which they will probably never get anyway because they’ve been a complete and utter douchebag all year round)

Oh Santa, did you not know that shimmying down people’s chimneys in the middle of the night like a convict escaping prison or a professional kidnapper is basically breaking and entering, which is against the law.

In normal situations, if you saw a fat bearded old man coming down your chimney, the first thing you would do is find the nearest breakable object and or a sawed off shotgun, then either beat the holy crap out of him and or blow his brains out all over those Christmas stockings that are hanging over your fireplace, once he emerges.

The 2nd Amendment ensures that any potentially dangerous criminal will be shot in order to protect the safety of you and your children, no matter how much the Democrats want to take away your guns. It’s not gonna’ happen! (Remember, if you’re an American Citizen, you can thank President Donald Trump again for defending your 2nd Amendment rights this very holiday season, as well).

However, Father Christmas isn’t just a potential sex offender, he also endorses child slave labour in the form of Elves, working extremely long hours in sweatshop like conditions. Let’s not forget the animal cruelty that he hands down on his Reindeer is way, way worse than any Halal slaughtering factory.

That’s right, Santa forces his physically deformed red nosed Reindeer to fly from continent to continent, while heaving heavy bags of iPhone’s and iPad’s made by his minimum wage Elves in his slave labour camps up in Lapland.


We are sure that animal rights activists wouldn’t be too happy about the working conditions that these poor Reindeer are put through, but then again, we don’t see the RSPCA rallying against the unnecessary suffering of animals caused by Islam either, do we?

Speaking of his “round-the-clock” assembly line of toy production done by his Elves, don’t you think it resembles a bunch of suffering and overworked eight-year-olds with little red hats on… Kind of like in North Korea? Where else in the world are you forced to work for next to nothing in dodgy matching uniforms, for a short and obese psychopath with a terrible haircut? Tell us, if you can muster the thought and put it on a postcard and address it to the North Pole, please!

Someone once said that they saw their mummy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe. Well, we shan’t be too crude, but we once saw him doing something much worse, and we think the victim in question was intoxicated with Sherry and Coca-Cola, and was saying “No! No! No!”. Maybe it was just Santa saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!”? We can’t tell, the sounds were clearly muffled since they were coming from the other room. Disturbing, indeed!

So remember kids, be careful when you sit on Santa’s lap this year, it could just be the local neighbourhood paedophile from the sex offenders register list, dressed in that ol’ Father Christmas disguise. After all… it is 2017!

A very Wary Christmas to you all!

Story by Michael Lee

Featured Photo Credit: Dorset Mums

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