If you were a straight girl or an in the closet internally screaming gay guy during the mid 1990’s, then the chances are that you were caught up in the cultural phenomenon that was the Spice Girls.
The Spice Girls were an all-singing (miming) all-dancing (choreographed) all-conquering girl band that literally took over the world. There was once a time that you couldn’t pick up a paper or a can of Pepsi without seeing their commercially endorsed faces grinning back at you, hypnotizing you with their endearing message of ‘Girl Power’ and conditionally programming preadolescence and teenage girls everywhere to the meaning of friendship, empowerment, independence and erm… platform boots.
Like totally, absolutely and undeniably enormously huge platform boots!
Before feminism became an icky word (thanks Lena Dunham), the Spice Girls made it totally cool to be a self-righteous female.
Who cannot say that the Spice World movie was not a deep philosophical monologue on the issues that we would later face later in a grown-up society.
The Spice Girls taught us that smiling, dancing and everything is free, and that all you need is positivity. Because you can never have enough positivity, right!?
So here’s the story, from A to Z and 12 life skills that the Spice Girls taught us. So, hold on to your knickers girls and hai si ja… HOLD TIGHT!
1 – Spice Girls were the definition of ambition, assertiveness and individualism. They taught us that you could be who you want to be, and not be ashamed of it, even if you just so happened to be a ginger! Because we all know that ginger’s are a lot harder to love right!? (sorry Ed Sheeran).
2 – Their songs had deep meaning and hidden messages, like how to put a condom on, way before sex education class made us awkwardly place latex rubber on a banana in front of our clearly embarrassed and mortified school mates.
3 – They taught us that even in the womb, we could end up being katrina high-kicking bad ass bitches!
4 – And in case of a teen pregnancy emergency, they gave us the skills in how to deliver a baby, way before glorified underage teenage girls got their own reality TV show on MTV.
5 – They also taught us the valuable lesson that one should never drive carelessly, and above all else, road safety is paramount (especially if you happen to find yourself one day driving a huge union jack covered double-decker bus while wearing long Gucci heels)
6 – They taught us that you should never compromise your morals or artistic integrity for corporate profit and greed (cough… Gary Lineker!)
7 – They helped us develop a sense of style and substance and taught us that sometimes less is more (even if you did end up looking like a ropy old fairground hooker)
8 – And when in a socially awkward situation, all you have to do is…
9 – That open and honest dialogue with your friends is very important in keeping your relationship positive and healthy.
10 – The Spice Girls made us question if the Pope actually is a Catholic.
11 – And above all else, all you really really need is a ‘’Zig-a-zig-ha’’ (which is actual code word for sex, in case you didn’t know).
12 – Even more important than a quick ‘’Zig-a-zig-ha’’ behind the bike shed at school, the REAL most important value that the Spice Girls taught us was… friendship never ends, like literally… never ends, like… ever!
Thank you Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh and Sporty for giving us everything, and for making us realise that one day we could all grow up to be man-hating, non-binary, gender fluid, feminist transsexuals, because, you know… GIRL POWER and all that feminist stuff.
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: New Wave and Beyond