If you were a preadolescence kid that grew up in that peculiar and weird moment in time found somewhere in-between the late 80’s and early 90’s where you found yourself decked in an all in one Demin jeans and shirt fashion hot mess, it’s safe to assume that you were either a fan of A) Pizza or b) The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
But in most cases, both came exclusively together, a bit like corruption and Hilary Clinton really!
In fact, you were pretty much socially conditioned to believe that the love between four generically mutilated green reptiles and a flat round base of dough baked with a topping of tomatoes and cheese was the definition of true relationship goals, way before Tinder was even a thing!
When you did eventually become a bona fide adult, complete with mortgage and postnatal depression, you actually realized that growing up was a complete and utter lie and that you would never have an oversized mutant rat as a Sensei.
Life would soon become a discouraging choir of sluggish dates, being catfished and having your self-esteem totally crushed in miserable monogamous relationships, however, the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked at pizza with awe and wonderment, that was the stuff of true love.
So, with enough cowabunga that a genetically modified hero in a half shell can muster, here are 12 times the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles taught us that Pizza is absolutely everything!
1 – That moment when you first order your pizza and anxiously wait around for it to be delivered to your house (or underground sewer base that has better air conditioning then the calais jungle) can feel like an entire lifetime!
2 – But when it (eventually) arrives and you are instantly seduced and hypnotised by it’s absolute sexiness. Which in today’s world potentially could be classed as sexual harassment and get you a nice sum of victims compensation. Cowabunga!
3 – Its moments like this that make life seem… oh so worthwhile! Especially when you are a white privileged heterosexual male, right!?
4 – You always remember your first slice. Remember when you took your first bite of all that hot mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce all into your mouth!? Much more memorable (and more satisfying) then when you first lost your virginity in the toilet cubicles, right!?
5 – But when you occasionally come across a misguided human (probably a Labour supporter) who does not appreciate the joy that is Pizza.
6 – Pizza should be lovingly appreciated and shared by all and served with Turtle Power hospitality and care (Katana, Bo, Sai, and Nunchaks not included) under strict E.U guidelines and regulations.
7 – Remember to make sure that pizza topping has been blessed by the local imam or you (and your pizza) could find yourself being taking to the your neighbourhood sharia court. Case in point, a Muslim man sued America’s third largest pizza chain for $100 million (£78 million) in 2017 after being served a pizza labelled halal which was topped with pork pepperoni. Well, nobody likes an Islamophobic pizza now, do they!?
8 – The Turtles taught us that Pizza could be loved and enjoyed in many unique and unpolitically correct ways that would offend any soy drinking vegan feminist. Mixed scrambled Pizza anyone?
9 – Or how about our personal favourite, Pizza and Ice cream? Available in halal in all good multicultural corner shops.
10 – ‘Cause nothing says PARTY! Like an actual bona fide PIZZA PARTY! Unless it’s a Harvey Weinstein kind of party of course.
11 – The Turtles basically invented ‘Netflix and Chill’ before ‘Netflix and Chill’ was just a subtle way for a quick shag.
12 – So, in summary, people come and go from your life, partners dump you, friends depart from our lives, plus that one night stand you had back 2005 in which you caught Chlamydia is still a major regret in your life which always comes back to haunt you, every now and again, but the love of a pizza never goes cold.
Through saying that, even when it’s cold, nothing tastes better than a day old slice of pizza straight from the fridge, right?
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: Seminole Heights Pizza Delivery