5 Reasons Why You Should Absolutely Never Swallow Laundry Pods

Generation Z continue to prove just how stupid they are. What with not knowing what a VHS tape is or knowing the difference between Beyoncé and a dial-up-modem, our favourite Buzzfeed reading teens and non-binaries can now add laundry pods to that list of questions that they don’t know the answers to.

First it was the Kylie Lip Challenge, which resulted in impressionable young girls sucking on bottles in an attempt to get the luscious lips of the younger sister of Kim Kardashian, but ended up looking like autistic fish, followed by everyone doing the Harlem Shake. Now it seems clueless young people are gulping down Laundry Pods in an attempt to remain socially relevant.

Jesus wept for humanity. Credit: Unilads

Dubbed the “Tide pod challenge,” it involves videos circulating on social media highlighting kids biting into brightly coloured liquid laundry detergent packets. Or cooking them in frying pans, then chewing them up before spewing the soap from their mouths.

We here at Brainstain do not recommend you eating Laundry Pods, on the contrary. So, we have compiled the essential and absolutely necessary survival guide on how to avoid unnecessarily killing yourself for the sake of a social media fad.

Here are 5 Reasons Why You Should Absolutely Never Swallow Laundry Pods. Remember, if you are going to swallow, at least make sure you have prior warning first, and good gag reflexes.

1 – Public Announcement – Eating Laundry Pods will poison you… FACT!

Despite them looking like something that would slide down on the conveyor belt of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Tide pods are NOT sweets! The Tide Pod craze has been linked directly to an unusually high number of poisonings being reported in the US so far in 2018 (and its only January).

In the first 15 days of 2018, 39 people between the ages of 13 and 19 contacted the American Association of Poison Control Centres (AAPCC) to report issues of intentional poisoning.

No representative of the Oompa Loompa union was available to comment. Most likely suffering from exhaustion and mental anguish from working in Wonka’s dodgy factory for 12 hours straight!

tide pod deliciously clean by BECKY'S INCREDIBLE GIF COLLECTION

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2 – Laundry Pods are more chemical then a Kim Jong-un Nuclear Bomb

You want a nuclear holocaust in your throat?! Well, you better make sure you read the chemical ingredients on the pack first. Tide Pods contain ethanol and hydrogen peroxide and are extremely toxic, often leading to diarrhoea and vomiting if any detergent is ingested.

Those who have been exposed to Tide Pod capsules have been hospitalised with vomiting, breathing difficulties and loss of consciousness. So, if little rocket man is looking to cause Armageddon, why doesn’t he just drop a bunch of Laundry Pods on American soil instead?! It would save him the man power on building those nuclear bombs, at least.

kim jong un korea GIF

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3 – YouTube today, YouTube Away

YouTube says it will start removing videos of people taking part in the ‘Tide Pod challenge’ with many participants of this dangerous craze reporting that their videos, along with their 15 minutes of social media fame, have all but… vanished! Which essentially was the whole point of this stupid challenge in the first place.

Which makes the whole Tide pod challenge rather redundant. Unless of course you eat Laundry Pods in your own privacy and away from the camera. Which in that case, makes you a complete and utter sick f*ck!

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4 – Listen to the Creators

Procter & Gamble, which manufactures Tide, says its pods “should not be played with, whatever the circumstance, even if meant as a joke”.

“Laundry pods are made to clean clothes. Like all household cleaning products, they must be used properly and stored safely.”

Earlier this month, Tide warned people against the challenge in a video shared online. They said that the pods are for “doing laundry. Nothing else.”

So, if you aren’t going to listen to commercialised corporate propaganda. Then who else do you trust!?

walt disney vintage GIF by Okkult Motion Pictures

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 5 – It May be the Last Swallow You Ever Consume

Fads come and go, but is the superficiality of a few “Likes” and “Retweets” really worth your life?! If you really want to be “social media famous” at least have substance, talent or a marketable skill, like Kim Kardashian for example.

She didn’t become an internationally recognised celebrity and absolutely filthy stinking rich by swallowing a liquid substance on video.

pay me kim kardashian GIF by GQ

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Oh wait…

Anyway, don’t swallow Tide Pods, people!

 

Story by Michael Lee

Featured Photo Credit: CBC

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