Good morning everyone! It’s Valentines Day, and it’s estimated that there will be roughly 2,654 false sexual assault accusations made towards men today. With statistics like that, who says romance is dead?
Many of these claims will be made from disgruntled women who are upset and appalled that their boyfriends, husbands, and even Tinder f*ck buddies did not get them a Valentines Day card or a cheap bunch of roses from Tesco in a shallow and superficial exhibit of apparent love and affection to showcase on Snapchat in a 2.1 second display of social media superiority.
‘Awwww ain’t David lovely? He got me a cute little teddy bear and is taking me to Wetherspoon’s tonight for a romantic meal for 2… Bless em’.
But, what really happens to those women that are not lucky enough to receive a tin of Quality Street chocolates on this socially constructed day of smitten love and erm…. consensual sex?
Hell hath no fury like a feminist single on Valentines Day! That’s a truly frightening thing for any man to face, and despite them claiming to be some kind of Beyoncé loving, female empowered wonder woman, all women still yearn for a cute little teddy bear on the 14th of February from an adoring knight in shining armour. Not the organic politically correct cling foil that many so called ”men” wear today.
In fact, they don’t want a gender fluid, pussyhat wearing, soy drinking, Corbynite voting excuse of a man who reads Buzzfeed and wears a flannel shirt to compensate for their lack of masculinity. They want an actual man with a dangling penis, that’s just the way that they are genetically wired.
We all know the score, when a self-righteous and overly privileged western feminist doesn’t get what she wants, she plays the female victim card. Cis-gendered heterosexual men up and down the country scrimp together their hard-earned money and race to the nearest Clinton Card shop in hurried fear to purchase anything resembling somewhat of a monogamous relationship.
He literally fears for his life, career, and mental well-being, because he knows the consequences and the deadly ramifications of not giving his female gooey-eyed significant other the material gratification that she so desires.
Valentines Day is of course totally sexist, one-sided, and aimed towards men in consumership of anything remotely pink, fluffy and heart-shaped. It could be a pink heart-shaped anal plug quite frankly, yet some desperate women would be happy to receive such an awe-inspiring gift.
Men are under attack and under pressure to shell out and shower their little prim and pampered feminist princesses with gifts, and are expected to be more chivalrous year after year. However, in these times of EU regulations and with dreaded Brexit uncertainty, sometimes that is not entirely possible.
Yet women on the other hand seem to be able to get away with giving the man in their life a cheap bottle of aftershave from Superdrug and a peck on their stubbed cheek, or even nothing at all.
All men are conditioned and enforced by reinforced masculine social stereotypes and harmful gender norms to gravitate towards David Beckham branded astringent scented lotion. In fact, a feminist might even say, “Nothing beats a splash of toxic masculinity in the morning to make you smell like a sexist misogynist pig!”
So, if you find yourself in the unfortunate situation to be dating a radical feminist this Valentines Day, and if you’re going to satisfy her extreme social views by giving into a sexist role forced upon you, like buying her a z-list celebrity endorsed perfume or even a cheaper box of chocolates from Lidl, at least make sure that they are organic/vegan chocolates first, or you’ll really suffer the dire consequences of a feminist’s menopausal wrath!
It might not be just a “bollocking” that you receive, but also a severe reprimand come this Valentines Day: sex will definitely be off the menu!
Roses are red, violets are blue, the patriarchy sucks, and I’m telling the police that you raped me!
Happy Valentines Day everyone!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: Psychology Today