The UK in Widespread Snow and Rape Panic

If you were thinking of visiting old queenie and her big ol’ crown jewels this weekend, we would thoroughly recommend that you pack your woolly hats and pepper spray with you, if you don’t want to turn into a sexually violated icicle anytime soon.

As the snowy storm nicknamed the “Beast from the East” continues and combines with the incoming Storm Emma, and your flight lands at one of the possibly closed airports’, take note that the the country is also facing a nationwide KFC Chicken drought on top of  a prosperous Brexit on the horizon.

Indeed, the snow is causing widespread travel panic and mass hysteria as UK government officials have declared a ‘nationwide emergency’ after being hampered by heavy snow fall and sub-zero temperatures this week. Snowmageddon is already here! In fact, England is now on RED ALERT, which is the UK’s highest weather warning.


Apocalyptic snowflakes have left millions of shivery Brits facing nightmare journeys home from work with trains cancelled, roads closed, flights cancelled, and many reported casualties due to slippery and hazardous surfaces. With KFC restaurants closed up and down the country and the glacial monstrous blizzard currently leaving the UK frosty and bitter (literally), it should really be the last destination on your travel wish list.

In case you didn’t know, the people of Britain always lose their minds when the first signs of snow start to appear, and it all began a few days ago in London. Now, the weather crisis has escalated to even harsher conditions and weather chaos is really beginning to set in.

scared panic GIF


Crazed shoppers in the UK have been preparing for a winter holocaust since the frozen catastrophe commenced, with the initial snowflakes falling on panicked citizens in their communities. Very distressing! Supermarket aisles have been left looking like something resembling a trembling barren wasteland. There’s no bread, no milk, and not even any tea bags left to keep people warm during these cold and frigid nights.

The situation is so severe that the Met Office have issued a red weather warning for life-threatening snow in London. In fact, the situation is currently so bad that armed forces have now been called in to restore order, and have urged people to take immediate action to keep themselves safe as Britain faces strong gales, blizzards and rare freezing rain, which is set to get worse as Storm Emma enters the fray.

Even Wellies won’t suffice in this cold weather.

However, it’s not just drops of snow you’ll have to watch out for if you choose to visit the UK nowadays. In fact, you might need to bring with you more than a knitted hat and scarf. Some experts would even recommended a knife proof vest and a panic alarm, carefully attached near your nether region at all times.

new girl omg GIF by HULU


All jokes aside, there’s every reason to be concerned, as there were approximately 7,613 rapes recorded in Sadiq Khan’s London in the past 12 months towards the end of January 2018, compared to Sadiq Khan’s previous year with 6,392. That’s a rise of almost 20 percent, which is much more shocking than any snowflakes falling from the sky, one would think.

Under the very questionable Labour leadership of Mayor Sadiq Khan, knife crime, gun crime, acid attacks, theft, burglary, homicide and of course rape, have all MASSIVELY gone up, and is not expected to improve any time soon. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police even stated that the force expects numbers to continue to rise for the next two to five years. Yikes!

tiffany pollard knife GIF by RealityTVGIFs


In hindsight, during this frosty bout of weather, it’s probably one of the safer times to be out and about in London, as most people will be staying home in order to keep warm. But you might get hit by a snowball or two, as snowball fights have been erupting up and down the country in recent days.

So much for Al Gore and the Green Party’s liberal left ploy of Global Warming, which is becoming less and less true by the day. The polar ice caps must really be growing and not melting at this point, given the cold conditions across all of Europe, not to mention the Big Freeze of 2018 in the United States of America, throughout January and beyond.

Will Al Gore come out of his corrupt liberal-siding green igloo, and share a comment about the recent Antarctic conditions across the world? They’ll probably blame the Russians as usual, since this cold front is actually blowing in from Russia.

Anyway, enough with the frostiness, we are off out to build a female empowered snow woman. Just hoping that some male chauvinistic prick doesn’t stick their carrot into our non-consenting snowman during this very cold time in the UK.


Story by Michael Lee

Featured Photo Credit: Sky News

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