Everywhere you go, somebody is a nerd, or you have those people who at least claim to be one. But once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away in an extraterrestrial universe, making sexual groans in klingon while wanking over that poster of Princess Leia, there was a time when being a nerd came with a social stigma.
A nerd, not the “nerds” that you see plastered all over Instagram and Snapchat today, but a REAL nerd who is basically a person that is obsessed with something enough to devote inordinate amounts of time and energy to it, whilst sacrificing any hope of love or even losing their virginity.
Merely mimicking an outdated stereotype in a shallow attempt at convincing people that you’re vaguely smart and interesting without actually being either, does not make you a nerd, that just makes you a facade of a human being.
If you choose to be a nerd, you are not a nerd. Nerds have no choice, it’s in their DNA and are genetically chosen, so to speak.
Nerds are by birth, socially awkward, physically repulsive, sometimes blitzed with acne, plus are contemptible introverts who lack social skills, are boringly studious, and struggle to fit in anywhere within radius of human civilization.
A nerd does not adhere to social norms, nor do they need to publicize the fact that they are a nerd. Instead, they continued to escape into their world of Dungeons and Dragons, imagining themselves as all powerful wizards way before J.K Rowling made magic mainstream and envisioned herself as a liberal social justice savior (though why she just can’t “wingardium leviosa” and f*ck off, is still a spell that we all need to master).
So, with enough memory RAM of a Commodore 64 (and that’s not a lot) here are 11 Ways in Which You Are Absolutely Not a Nerd
1. Wearing Glasses – Having visually impaired vision does not make you a nerd, neither does Instagramming or Tweeting a picture of you wearing glasses and proclaiming to be a nerd, even though you don’t actually require glasses. It just makes you an obnoxious idiot and a complete and utter fake!
2. Having a Beard – Having a face full of unkept and untamed facial fluff does not automatically entitle you to hipster nerd status, either. It just probably means that you’re a member of the Jeremy Corbyn “Islington Cult” of left-wing soy drinking pricks. And nobody likes a Corbynite now, do they?!
3. Being a Hipster – Hipsters appropriate things that aren’t theirs and use it as part of their socialist vegan propaganda. Case in point, the nerd culture is just another thing that they wish to appropriate. So, just because you wear a vintage jumper with the Thundercats logo printed on it and spout a pair of absurdly big stereotypical “nerd” glasses, does not give you the right to call yourself a legit nerd. On the contrary, you’re just a mimicking Shoreditch knob, after all.
4. Reading a Book / Magazine – Reading isn’t just for a person possessing a highly developed intellect. It’s for everyone, all the time. In fact, it should be as integral to your daily routine, as copious amounts of masturbation and eating plenty of fast food are.
5. Watching a TV Series – Just because you laid in bed for the entirety of your day and watched the entire 7th season of The Walking Dead, does not automatically grant you the ranking of neighbourhood nerd. It just means that you’re a lazy (possibly fat) benefit claiming slob, who maybe needs to question what they’re really doing with their life?
6. Liking Zombies – Speaking of which, just because you have an unhealthy obsession with rotting flesh and Rick Grimes, it doesn’t mean you get to label yourself a fully-fledged nerd. Guess what? Many people like undead stuff! In fact, zombies are so mainstream now that unless you’re engaged in some full-on weird Walking Dead cosplay or are in the process of building an actual bunker for an eventual Zombie Apocalypse (or North Korea nuclear bomb) then you are not a nerd. Now go kill yourself, please!
7. Posing with a Duck Face – Making a face resembling a mutilated duck in that selfie that you just posted with specs, doesn’t make you a #geek or a #nerd, it just makes you another vain preadolescent Kylie Jenner clone, with surprisingly big boobs and the reason why a lot of heterosexuals’ mistakenly have sex with teens under the legal age.
8. Knowing How to Operate a Laptop / Computer / Any form of Tech – Generation Z fetuses are preconditioned in the womb to be able to function any type of Apple product. Hell… even mum’s know how to set up WIFI now. Knowing how to use an iPhone does not make you a nerd, it just means you are able to fully function in a 21st century society, without being made redundant or being a useless bum / illegal migrant.
9. Dressing in Cosplay – Since the commercialization of Harley Quinn into the mainstream, un-nerdy young girls everywhere think they now possess the ability to label themselves as nerds, simply by dressing up as a Jeremy Kyle looking version of the Joker’s crazed girlfriend and then caking their face with white foundation that they hurriedly purchased from Poundland. So, dressing up as the beloved DC comics psychopath, does not make you a genuine nerd, it just makes you a chav in a cheap Halloween costume.
10. Going to Comic Con – Swapping oxygen with a mass of nerds, does not make you a nerd by association. Simply attending the most mainstream gathering of geekery doesn’t grant you access to the cult of Geekdom. It just makes you another face in the crowd that’s desperately trying to stand out by being dressed as a pedophile looking version of Ash Ketchum.
11. Playing Video Games – Nowadays even your mum angrily curses at every no good, cheating scum bag hidden sniper, whilst playing Call of Duty and has a higher Xbox achievement score than you do. Not only are you absolutely not a nerd for playing video games, but your mum has more testosterone than you, because of feminism and your soy milk addiction.
The word “Nerd” has become a convenient adjective used far too often by people who wouldn’t know what an actual nerd is if one suddenly appeared in front of them like a wild Pokémon jumping out from a bush.
Being a bona fide nerd is about being different and unconventional. It’s about finding your identity in a counter-culture that tries so hard to be the same. It’s about being ostracized and mockingly judged for your love of books, games and data analysis.
Authentic nerds don’t need to wear a t-shirt emblazed with an obscure 80’s slogan or picture of Darth Vader, their nerdy force remains inside of them, and the nerdy force that emanates from within, radiates the brightest and is quite unmistakable… So please, just stop trying to be a nerd, and if you’re ever in doubt, please revert to Revenge of the Nerds if you ever need clarification that you are indeed not a f*ucking nerd!
Story by Michael Lee
Buy ‘Revenge of the Nerds‘ here!
Featured Photo Credit: Poetsandquartz